Can't shake it off

This post will be divided into sections, because I have each of the thought on separate timings and I don’t think they are related.

A will compelled not by companionship

                There is no doubt now that I am feeling some sort of emotional turmoil from recent events. The incident replays itself in my mind every hour, from the events of the past, to the causes, to those responsible, to the words being said, to the direct impacts, and to the future implications.

                There is hardly any moment where I do not feel frustration coupled with incredible sadness at a lost potential. I most certainly do blame someone for it. I felt this way before, but I’m what that’d changed.

                In the past I will feel crippled by such events, to the point of finding it difficult to pull myself out of bed. But such days are behind me. My faculties and physiology are so adept and responsive, I question if I am really affected. At some point, I question if I lost the ability to properly love anything, or feel emotions the normal way. Perhaps I can’t blame others for treating me any less human that what I really am, because in many ways, with my rigorous pursuit of knowledge and proficiency, I am becoming less... sociable, less loving, and less sensitive.

I don’t really like this, but I don’t think I can change.

Paradox of the loner

                I always need time to myself. I can’t stand being... constantly engaged by people/a person. Of course there are exceptions to this, i.e. there are people whom I don’t mind spending more time with.

                But I still need my alone-time. When there are people around, I’ll be forced to interact longer than what I prefer. When there are people around, I get distracted and am unable to focus my thoughts. Other times, and I say this in a completely non-judgemental and non-condescending manner, people are extremely shallow and do not think enough before they speak. I get the bulk of my ideas and work done while I’m alone.

                But nobody likes to be alone all the time, certainly not me. I can bear with it, I can take it into my stride, but that doesn’t mean I actively enjoy it. Usually I choose to bear the onus of solitary simply because it is the easier way out.

Nightwings

The Sleeplessness continues

                It has been another unpleasant week. As usual, I am unclear of my exact emotions right now. I’m not sure if I should feel angry over severe sharply worded remarks and responses, or should I feel hurt that blatant assumptions had been placed on my behaviour without full knowledge of my reasons. Worse off, no attempts were made to understand my reasons. It is assumption of knowledge and a belief of superiority of reasoning over me.

                I once held a fatalistic viewpoint that people will only see what they want to see. There are times where it is not true, but that is only when people are being friendly and when there are flowers blooming and rainbows in the sky. The current situation I am experience exemplifies that viewpoint. Ultimately, it doesn’t matter what I did in a semester, a year, or my entire life. If one is adamant of seeking out parts of me they disagree with, they are bound to find it and that will supersede all other things.

                And if anyone watched Batman Begins, a memorable quote goes as such: It is not who you are inside, it is what you do that defines who you are. I am domineering, oppressive, and critical not because I want to. But it is what I do and therefore it is who I am, I have no regrets.

                And remember that I can and will bear grudges for long periods of time, because I can remember things people do. The incident that is still unfolding now prompted me to review all things that you have or have not done.

You have something against me. It is something that may not be logical. It is something deeper than that and it affects you emotionally that you would jump at any chance to hate me and bring me down. I am unclear of how I should respond to that. Do I reciprocate your dislike of me? Or do I ignore your emotions and get on with my life? I can accept you for who you are, maybe even to the point of letting down this “enormous” ego you said I have and apologise if I caused you distress. That is because I have a great level of admirable for you. But right now things are getting tough and more complicated. As much as I do not want to run away this time and face this problem, I find myself being poorly equipped and unable to cope. It is breaking me down and leaving me emotionally vulnerable.

Finally, on a topic unrelated to the previous paragraph, I admit that since the start of school. I had been actively deploying terror/scare-tactics, planting seeds of fear, and establishing a facade of solemnity and impassion. It is not who I am nor is it something I enjoy doing. But it is necessary because I can’t cope with dealing with the hypocrites and the weak-willed that is repelled by the fear of me. Some may feel that it is unnecessary, or that the cost of it is too high, but check the scoreboard. It has worked, albeit with some costs. And as mentioned earlier, I am not looking to distance myself from what I do, so therefore I am what I do and have no regrets. And no, I am not going to change. Plus, even if this were to be made known openly, my reputation over the past year is too entrenched for anyone to do anything.

And you are reading this, you are holding on to some privileged information. Do what you want with it, but know that I’m not dumb. If you attempt to use this information to do harm onto me or anything of my interests, including people whom I care about, I will find out and I will strike back in ways you would not expect. I always keep the people I care, including those I seemingly stopped caring, within my sights in the most subtle of ways (although sometimes weakly subtlety). If you harm them, or are against them, you are against me.

NightWings

Thoughts: 3rd March 2012

                I can think of one word which can sum up how I’m feeling these few days: suffocated. I’m not complaining about the workload, there is a lot to handle, but nothing enough to kill me. But rather, being restricted in my current state and form.

                I know I am being extremely vague, but circumstances dictate that I not be too direct about this matter. But the truth can’t be hidden, I feel under-appreciated, I feel under-valued, and I feel that my potential is neither be fully utilised nor allowed to develop. Worse, I feel powerless against those whose value I stand against: incredible hypocrisy, two-faced, scheming little bitches and rampant immaturity.

                But what really broke my heart is to be ignored. This is despite the extraordinary effort I put in to be a nice person, and a good friend. Maybe I’m trying too hard that I become off-putting, or maybe my strategy of fear has worked too vastly, too well. Or maybe like most other friendships I have, that closeness is a telltale sign of one that is doomed to fail.

                I can do two things, to call it quits and tell myself I don’t need to take this nor do I deserve this while secretly cringe in my own sorrow, or I can pretend that nothing is wrong while the truth slowly kills me inside. I’m sure the person in question would choose the latter, but maybe she won’t feel the sting as I do.

                Maybe this is karma, that is for me to feel the drain of constantly chasing after someone whom hardly reciprocates after doing so myself. Or maybe this thing just isn’t meant to be.

Nightwings

Thoughts, 16th Feb. 2012

                For four long years, I have been in love with a single person. At first it gave me hope, then despair, and finally an urge to purge any thoughts related to the matter.

I was hopeful at first, even when many things could not work out and reciprocity is impossible. Eventually, any instances of hope became painful. One day, it became too painful to even be friends. I distanced myself, but she could not be moved, still holding on. Then I tried to become mean, it did not work out that well either.  Nonetheless, I was confident I could forget, and that one day she will give up, because I could not live the way I had for the past years where I carried the torch.

At this point, I am having doubts over many things in my life. I’m not sure who I can trust. People whom I thought I’ve built up a reliable network, turned out to be as disappointing, and foreign as any other stranger. And then everything points back to her. It is impossible for me to forget her, or perhaps I do not want to do so.

So here lays me, exhausted and weary. All of these would be simpler if I had been more forthcoming in the past, if I had been more confident, self-assured, and less of a douche-bag. I am not one to dwell in the past for long, and I must not, for the future is the only way forward. The road ahead is murky at best, but my purpose and direction is as certain as the compass pointing north. I will get what I want, or die trying.

NightWings.

Maybe I’m afraid because I’m feeling again.

                Perhaps more than ever, recent events had opened my eyes to my changes. I have always talks about how I had changed since a few years back, and that I know full sure what these changes are. Now I’m not so sure. I remembered the days where I felt that I was in full control, feeling little of anything else. I felt that I was efficient, lived more by my own rules than bending down to the many complicated rules that emotions and people relationship have to offer.

 But as a helpful friend pointed out, it was just me burying my emotions, perhaps, for when I did get angry (which are the only emotion I believed I could feel), I was essentially out of control. I would admit that over the past year, after quite some trials, many which were emotionally and intellectually draining, I have soften to my initial resolve and let myself go, feeling a bit more human than I ever had in the previous years. Perhaps this is what is scaring me.

I always had trust issues, not sure since when but I take longer to trust than most, or consider another to be a friend. Add to that, my memory is exceptionally adept at remembering grudges. I have had hold grudges (regrettably, at my parents) for at least eight years, thankfully that is over.

The years after my junior college years ended and where my NS begin was a whirlwind of extreme emotions I have never felt before. All of them were devastating. I made it through, all of it, alone for I didn’t speak of these emotions to anyone (that I remember anyway) and I felt a great sense of pride. That is also when I learnt that if I can stay calm I can achieve much more, that I can be alone and needed no one else. It is also when I decided I would live by my own rules and take no shit from anyone.

In the past year, all of these started coming apart. Consciously, I thought not much of it. Perhaps I was too distracted by my new found comfort, perhaps unknowingly, I wanted to be proven wrong and for the moment when I can drop all my burdens, so much so that I dared to tread into the forbidden territory; feelings of affection for another. I have not truly felt this strong for another person for a long time. I was confused as hell, unsure of what to do, how to respond. It wasn’t something I’m good at, in fact, it is something I’m extremely ill-equipped to deal with.

When a particular incident crossed the tripwire, it had awoken me to whatever that is happening to me clearer than before. Everything that I have buried starting coming back, all the years of suppressions is breaking apart. All the rules I’ve set for myself, all the determination, the resolve, and the pride that is so great, that it surpasses and bypasses the pain, all of them is being set in doubt. I have not doubted myself since I completed NS, not so much anyway. The incident is seen as insignificant to others, but its significance to me is beyond explanation.

And after some introspection, I realised that subconsciously, I have a lot riding on this than I initially thought. It is a thorn, a manifestation of the conflict which I accept what I’ve become and breakaway from the cold-calculating self I set out to be, or I reject all these changes and return to what I wanted to be. If you deride this as a simple choice, you clearly do not understand half of what I had written above. There is a lot at stake, most of it I do not actively know and it is something I need to do for myself.

Maybe rather than anger, these are feelings of fear, fear of uncertainty, of weakness, and of opening up. Maybe I’m afraid because I’m starting to feel any other types of emotions again.

Nightwings, 1st Feb 2012

Jan 13th, Friday, 2012

Many complain about how life is unfair, and many more think they are offering good advice by telling another life is as such. I usually keep quiet to these remarks, but my real feelings towards them can be elegantly expressed in three words; balls to you. Neither are those valid excuses for injustice, failure, or any other sort of misgivings, nor are they friendly advice that is worthy to be given.

This fatalism is unhelpful, if not detrimental to anyone. It signals a rejection towards an alternative course of action, is usually an attempt to enforce one’s false sense of worldliness on another, and is a snide remark to undermine one’s ability to accept the situation.

It is difficult, if not impossible to define true fairness; there are too many variables and subjectivity involved. Thus, it is extremely fallacious to brand the world, or life as unfair simply due to a particular situation. Insistence on this point just shows one’s narcissistic obsession on the immediacy whilst ignoring that which could have, or already had happened that is not observed.

The universe existed billions of years before an individual and will continue to be around for billions after. A particular event of unfairness might have its ramifications occurring at a much later time, or is itself a consequence of another event which occurred before. Just because one does not see the bigger picture, does not mean there is none.

Everyone is keenly aware of the apparent inequalities in life and in the world; there is little point in trying to further propagate this knowledge. Perhaps true fairness does not exist, perhaps it does, or perhaps the world is neither fair nor unfair, it just is. Our existent is such that any real objectivity is impossible, thus, fairness is relative and extremely subjective. Do me a favour, do not ever tell me life is unfair, and I will do the same. Each of us is capable of change.

Nightwings

I Hunger

I was watching the video of the makings of Rocky by Sylvester Stallone (evidently against the imperative to study and do my school work) and frankly I was quite inspired by it. People can criticise the movie, but I kinda enjoyed it. Moreover, his unbeatable spirit and devotion to what his believes in is truly something not many of us can hold to. I wouldn’t wanna dwell too much on the actual process, but one portion of it especially set me in awe; when he described his hunger.

To sidetrack a little, the thing about achievements is, they’re good stuff. They make you feel secured, give you that enhancement of self-worth when you need it the most, everyone needs to feel that they have at least some achievements they can be proud of it. On the other hand, the problem with achievements is that they make you comfortable, sometimes too comfortable that you become weak, soft, and complacent.

In the recent days, I find myself starting to lose my edge and feeling unable to cope with the stress at school, amongst friends, and maintaining my personal principles and stature. Now it’s not like I have never been in situations like these before; they happen all the time before the beginning of a rigorous curriculum where I placed too many expectations upon myself, crash and burn, before finally emerging hanging by the thread. But this time, I did not really want it to be the same. I want to be better.

So I set out, determined to find a way to make things easier. I knew I had to change something about my current lifestyle; diet and exercise won’t really help as much as they already have; stress relieving techniques like playing video games only take my mind off matters for as long as I’m playing them, and they induce an incredible sense of guilt for me to want to indulge into them; talking it out with friends is a viable solution, but unfortunately I do not have that many friends whom I can hold a decent conversation regarding these things. After much thought, I realise how I’ve missed the most obvious problem; I’m always too gloomy. So I made a decision to become more cheerful. Now this might sound like what any random friend would ask me to do, but for those who know me this, this would be a huge step forward, with the significance akin to the discovery of electricity.

Now back to Sylvester Stallone, the thing which he made me realise is that, sometimes we need to put ourselves in a position to succeed. Sure, the sheer will power and determination is necessary, but without the right environment, it will quickly die out, like how he was in the abysmal hole of poverty and hunger, how he burnt all bridges so that he only have one way to go; the only way he wanted to go. I have had a couple of achievements that I’m decently proud of, and they helped me regain my confidence in the past few years. They were really helpful, but if I wanted to come out this stronger, I had to be more extreme, I need to put away all my achievements, dive into the hole of desperate where I have nowhere to go, leave the comfort zone of safety, for it is only then can I raise from the ashes of the obscure like a metaphorical phoenix and attain the greatness I strive for.

Now with the odds of difficulty stacking against me, I feel a strange sense of excitement. It’s not a new feeling and it’s making me unable to control myself, with a mixture of fear yet eagerness for the challenge, like the adrenaline we get before we speak up to a really attractive lady (a feat I still find difficult to accomplish), or like the moments before they announce the results you’re waiting for. I don’t know where I would go from here, or what the precise steps I must take are, but I know I want to overcome, to excel, and to inspire awe. I feel my hunger, before the great looming uncertainty of the future. Wish me luck.

Nightwings, of dust