Can't shake it off

This post will be divided into sections, because I have each of the thought on separate timings and I don’t think they are related.

A will compelled not by companionship

                There is no doubt now that I am feeling some sort of emotional turmoil from recent events. The incident replays itself in my mind every hour, from the events of the past, to the causes, to those responsible, to the words being said, to the direct impacts, and to the future implications.

                There is hardly any moment where I do not feel frustration coupled with incredible sadness at a lost potential. I most certainly do blame someone for it. I felt this way before, but I’m what that’d changed.

                In the past I will feel crippled by such events, to the point of finding it difficult to pull myself out of bed. But such days are behind me. My faculties and physiology are so adept and responsive, I question if I am really affected. At some point, I question if I lost the ability to properly love anything, or feel emotions the normal way. Perhaps I can’t blame others for treating me any less human that what I really am, because in many ways, with my rigorous pursuit of knowledge and proficiency, I am becoming less... sociable, less loving, and less sensitive.

I don’t really like this, but I don’t think I can change.

Paradox of the loner

                I always need time to myself. I can’t stand being... constantly engaged by people/a person. Of course there are exceptions to this, i.e. there are people whom I don’t mind spending more time with.

                But I still need my alone-time. When there are people around, I’ll be forced to interact longer than what I prefer. When there are people around, I get distracted and am unable to focus my thoughts. Other times, and I say this in a completely non-judgemental and non-condescending manner, people are extremely shallow and do not think enough before they speak. I get the bulk of my ideas and work done while I’m alone.

                But nobody likes to be alone all the time, certainly not me. I can bear with it, I can take it into my stride, but that doesn’t mean I actively enjoy it. Usually I choose to bear the onus of solitary simply because it is the easier way out.

Nightwings