It has
been another unpleasant week. As usual, I am unclear of my exact emotions right
now. I’m not sure if I should feel angry over severe sharply worded remarks and
responses, or should I feel hurt that blatant assumptions had been placed on my
behaviour without full knowledge of my reasons. Worse off, no attempts were
made to understand my reasons. It is assumption of knowledge and a belief of
superiority of reasoning over me.
I once
held a fatalistic viewpoint that people will only see what they want to see.
There are times where it is not true, but that is only when people are being friendly
and when there are flowers blooming and rainbows in the sky. The current
situation I am experience exemplifies that viewpoint. Ultimately, it doesn’t
matter what I did in a semester, a year, or my entire life. If one is adamant
of seeking out parts of me they disagree with, they are bound to find it and
that will supersede all other things.
And if
anyone watched Batman Begins, a memorable quote goes as such: It is not who you
are inside, it is what you do that defines who you are. I am domineering,
oppressive, and critical not because I want to. But it is what I do and
therefore it is who I am, I have no regrets.
And
remember that I can and will bear grudges for long periods of time, because I
can remember things people do. The incident that is still unfolding now prompted
me to review all things that you have or have not done.
You have something against me. It
is something that may not be logical. It is something deeper than that and it
affects you emotionally that you would jump at any chance to hate me and bring
me down. I am unclear of how I should respond to that. Do I reciprocate your
dislike of me? Or do I ignore your emotions and get on with my life? I can
accept you for who you are, maybe even to the point of letting down this “enormous”
ego you said I have and apologise if I caused you distress. That is because I
have a great level of admirable for you. But right now things are getting tough
and more complicated. As much as I do not want to run away this time and face
this problem, I find myself being poorly equipped and unable to cope. It is
breaking me down and leaving me emotionally vulnerable.
Finally, on a topic unrelated to
the previous paragraph, I admit that since the start of school. I had been
actively deploying terror/scare-tactics, planting seeds of fear, and
establishing a facade of solemnity and impassion. It is not who I am nor is it
something I enjoy doing. But it is necessary because I can’t cope with dealing
with the hypocrites and the weak-willed that is repelled by the fear of me.
Some may feel that it is unnecessary, or that the cost of it is too high, but
check the scoreboard. It has worked, albeit with some costs. And as mentioned
earlier, I am not looking to distance myself from what I do, so therefore I am
what I do and have no regrets. And no, I am not going to change. Plus, even if
this were to be made known openly, my reputation over the past year is too
entrenched for anyone to do anything.
And you are reading this, you are
holding on to some privileged information. Do what you want with it, but know
that I’m not dumb. If you attempt to use this information to do harm onto me or
anything of my interests, including people whom I care about, I will find out
and I will strike back in ways you would not expect. I always keep the people I
care, including those I seemingly stopped caring, within my sights in the most
subtle of ways (although sometimes weakly subtlety). If you harm them, or are
against them, you are against me.
NightWings
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