Can't shake it off

This post will be divided into sections, because I have each of the thought on separate timings and I don’t think they are related.

A will compelled not by companionship

                There is no doubt now that I am feeling some sort of emotional turmoil from recent events. The incident replays itself in my mind every hour, from the events of the past, to the causes, to those responsible, to the words being said, to the direct impacts, and to the future implications.

                There is hardly any moment where I do not feel frustration coupled with incredible sadness at a lost potential. I most certainly do blame someone for it. I felt this way before, but I’m what that’d changed.

                In the past I will feel crippled by such events, to the point of finding it difficult to pull myself out of bed. But such days are behind me. My faculties and physiology are so adept and responsive, I question if I am really affected. At some point, I question if I lost the ability to properly love anything, or feel emotions the normal way. Perhaps I can’t blame others for treating me any less human that what I really am, because in many ways, with my rigorous pursuit of knowledge and proficiency, I am becoming less... sociable, less loving, and less sensitive.

I don’t really like this, but I don’t think I can change.

Paradox of the loner

                I always need time to myself. I can’t stand being... constantly engaged by people/a person. Of course there are exceptions to this, i.e. there are people whom I don’t mind spending more time with.

                But I still need my alone-time. When there are people around, I’ll be forced to interact longer than what I prefer. When there are people around, I get distracted and am unable to focus my thoughts. Other times, and I say this in a completely non-judgemental and non-condescending manner, people are extremely shallow and do not think enough before they speak. I get the bulk of my ideas and work done while I’m alone.

                But nobody likes to be alone all the time, certainly not me. I can bear with it, I can take it into my stride, but that doesn’t mean I actively enjoy it. Usually I choose to bear the onus of solitary simply because it is the easier way out.

Nightwings

The Sleeplessness continues

                It has been another unpleasant week. As usual, I am unclear of my exact emotions right now. I’m not sure if I should feel angry over severe sharply worded remarks and responses, or should I feel hurt that blatant assumptions had been placed on my behaviour without full knowledge of my reasons. Worse off, no attempts were made to understand my reasons. It is assumption of knowledge and a belief of superiority of reasoning over me.

                I once held a fatalistic viewpoint that people will only see what they want to see. There are times where it is not true, but that is only when people are being friendly and when there are flowers blooming and rainbows in the sky. The current situation I am experience exemplifies that viewpoint. Ultimately, it doesn’t matter what I did in a semester, a year, or my entire life. If one is adamant of seeking out parts of me they disagree with, they are bound to find it and that will supersede all other things.

                And if anyone watched Batman Begins, a memorable quote goes as such: It is not who you are inside, it is what you do that defines who you are. I am domineering, oppressive, and critical not because I want to. But it is what I do and therefore it is who I am, I have no regrets.

                And remember that I can and will bear grudges for long periods of time, because I can remember things people do. The incident that is still unfolding now prompted me to review all things that you have or have not done.

You have something against me. It is something that may not be logical. It is something deeper than that and it affects you emotionally that you would jump at any chance to hate me and bring me down. I am unclear of how I should respond to that. Do I reciprocate your dislike of me? Or do I ignore your emotions and get on with my life? I can accept you for who you are, maybe even to the point of letting down this “enormous” ego you said I have and apologise if I caused you distress. That is because I have a great level of admirable for you. But right now things are getting tough and more complicated. As much as I do not want to run away this time and face this problem, I find myself being poorly equipped and unable to cope. It is breaking me down and leaving me emotionally vulnerable.

Finally, on a topic unrelated to the previous paragraph, I admit that since the start of school. I had been actively deploying terror/scare-tactics, planting seeds of fear, and establishing a facade of solemnity and impassion. It is not who I am nor is it something I enjoy doing. But it is necessary because I can’t cope with dealing with the hypocrites and the weak-willed that is repelled by the fear of me. Some may feel that it is unnecessary, or that the cost of it is too high, but check the scoreboard. It has worked, albeit with some costs. And as mentioned earlier, I am not looking to distance myself from what I do, so therefore I am what I do and have no regrets. And no, I am not going to change. Plus, even if this were to be made known openly, my reputation over the past year is too entrenched for anyone to do anything.

And you are reading this, you are holding on to some privileged information. Do what you want with it, but know that I’m not dumb. If you attempt to use this information to do harm onto me or anything of my interests, including people whom I care about, I will find out and I will strike back in ways you would not expect. I always keep the people I care, including those I seemingly stopped caring, within my sights in the most subtle of ways (although sometimes weakly subtlety). If you harm them, or are against them, you are against me.

NightWings

Thoughts: 3rd March 2012

                I can think of one word which can sum up how I’m feeling these few days: suffocated. I’m not complaining about the workload, there is a lot to handle, but nothing enough to kill me. But rather, being restricted in my current state and form.

                I know I am being extremely vague, but circumstances dictate that I not be too direct about this matter. But the truth can’t be hidden, I feel under-appreciated, I feel under-valued, and I feel that my potential is neither be fully utilised nor allowed to develop. Worse, I feel powerless against those whose value I stand against: incredible hypocrisy, two-faced, scheming little bitches and rampant immaturity.

                But what really broke my heart is to be ignored. This is despite the extraordinary effort I put in to be a nice person, and a good friend. Maybe I’m trying too hard that I become off-putting, or maybe my strategy of fear has worked too vastly, too well. Or maybe like most other friendships I have, that closeness is a telltale sign of one that is doomed to fail.

                I can do two things, to call it quits and tell myself I don’t need to take this nor do I deserve this while secretly cringe in my own sorrow, or I can pretend that nothing is wrong while the truth slowly kills me inside. I’m sure the person in question would choose the latter, but maybe she won’t feel the sting as I do.

                Maybe this is karma, that is for me to feel the drain of constantly chasing after someone whom hardly reciprocates after doing so myself. Or maybe this thing just isn’t meant to be.

Nightwings