I haven quite spoken to myself for a while, and by that I mean reflecting upon myself. Every single day's just so laden with work that in moments which I could spend to my discretion without guilt, I just wanted to take my mind off everything.
Recent events had really made me tired, and not just the type of tired where I can be fine after rest or a getaway. It's a form of tired of makes you... weary of everything. I devoted everything I have into the only thing I know I can do now, that is school work. It has become so much a part of my life that I nearly forgotten everything else. A year ago I would tell anyone that there is nothing more I would rather want.
A year later today, I would still give the same answer, but no longer in the passionate, enthusiastic spirit. I'm always fighting. A year ago, fighting for my grades, fighting for confidence and nerve. Today I'm fighting the disappointments, the frustrations, fighting the negativity that spawns from wasting effort to fight against matters which are in every way, avoidable (now that sounds awfully perplexing), I'd give examples; oversensitivity, conflicts, plain laziness, and sloppiness in work.
I ask, what the hell am I doing with people who really couldn't care less? Why do I need to put up with them? Yet I can't take the obvious "Oh just ignore them" or "Just say it to their faces". It's so difficult to let people know that sometimes, I really just want to be alone, not because I hate anyone, but just that I feel more comfortable being alone than to be trapped with people whom I feel no connection to.
I look into facebook, I see people living their lives. I look in the mirror, I can't decide what am I feeling. I realise I can't express my emotions other than anger, and sadness, but that usually leads to anger as well. What am I becoming? Am I happy? Do I want to be happy or am I just looking for reasons not to be?
Zi Liang
31st July 2011
Sunday 31 July 2011
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