Thoughts, 16th Feb. 2012

                For four long years, I have been in love with a single person. At first it gave me hope, then despair, and finally an urge to purge any thoughts related to the matter.

I was hopeful at first, even when many things could not work out and reciprocity is impossible. Eventually, any instances of hope became painful. One day, it became too painful to even be friends. I distanced myself, but she could not be moved, still holding on. Then I tried to become mean, it did not work out that well either.  Nonetheless, I was confident I could forget, and that one day she will give up, because I could not live the way I had for the past years where I carried the torch.

At this point, I am having doubts over many things in my life. I’m not sure who I can trust. People whom I thought I’ve built up a reliable network, turned out to be as disappointing, and foreign as any other stranger. And then everything points back to her. It is impossible for me to forget her, or perhaps I do not want to do so.

So here lays me, exhausted and weary. All of these would be simpler if I had been more forthcoming in the past, if I had been more confident, self-assured, and less of a douche-bag. I am not one to dwell in the past for long, and I must not, for the future is the only way forward. The road ahead is murky at best, but my purpose and direction is as certain as the compass pointing north. I will get what I want, or die trying.

NightWings.

Maybe I’m afraid because I’m feeling again.

                Perhaps more than ever, recent events had opened my eyes to my changes. I have always talks about how I had changed since a few years back, and that I know full sure what these changes are. Now I’m not so sure. I remembered the days where I felt that I was in full control, feeling little of anything else. I felt that I was efficient, lived more by my own rules than bending down to the many complicated rules that emotions and people relationship have to offer.

 But as a helpful friend pointed out, it was just me burying my emotions, perhaps, for when I did get angry (which are the only emotion I believed I could feel), I was essentially out of control. I would admit that over the past year, after quite some trials, many which were emotionally and intellectually draining, I have soften to my initial resolve and let myself go, feeling a bit more human than I ever had in the previous years. Perhaps this is what is scaring me.

I always had trust issues, not sure since when but I take longer to trust than most, or consider another to be a friend. Add to that, my memory is exceptionally adept at remembering grudges. I have had hold grudges (regrettably, at my parents) for at least eight years, thankfully that is over.

The years after my junior college years ended and where my NS begin was a whirlwind of extreme emotions I have never felt before. All of them were devastating. I made it through, all of it, alone for I didn’t speak of these emotions to anyone (that I remember anyway) and I felt a great sense of pride. That is also when I learnt that if I can stay calm I can achieve much more, that I can be alone and needed no one else. It is also when I decided I would live by my own rules and take no shit from anyone.

In the past year, all of these started coming apart. Consciously, I thought not much of it. Perhaps I was too distracted by my new found comfort, perhaps unknowingly, I wanted to be proven wrong and for the moment when I can drop all my burdens, so much so that I dared to tread into the forbidden territory; feelings of affection for another. I have not truly felt this strong for another person for a long time. I was confused as hell, unsure of what to do, how to respond. It wasn’t something I’m good at, in fact, it is something I’m extremely ill-equipped to deal with.

When a particular incident crossed the tripwire, it had awoken me to whatever that is happening to me clearer than before. Everything that I have buried starting coming back, all the years of suppressions is breaking apart. All the rules I’ve set for myself, all the determination, the resolve, and the pride that is so great, that it surpasses and bypasses the pain, all of them is being set in doubt. I have not doubted myself since I completed NS, not so much anyway. The incident is seen as insignificant to others, but its significance to me is beyond explanation.

And after some introspection, I realised that subconsciously, I have a lot riding on this than I initially thought. It is a thorn, a manifestation of the conflict which I accept what I’ve become and breakaway from the cold-calculating self I set out to be, or I reject all these changes and return to what I wanted to be. If you deride this as a simple choice, you clearly do not understand half of what I had written above. There is a lot at stake, most of it I do not actively know and it is something I need to do for myself.

Maybe rather than anger, these are feelings of fear, fear of uncertainty, of weakness, and of opening up. Maybe I’m afraid because I’m starting to feel any other types of emotions again.

Nightwings, 1st Feb 2012