For four
long years, I have been in love with a single person. At first it gave me hope,
then despair, and finally an urge to purge any thoughts related to the matter.
I was hopeful at first, even when
many things could not work out and reciprocity is impossible. Eventually, any
instances of hope became painful. One day, it became too painful to even be
friends. I distanced myself, but she could not be moved, still holding on. Then
I tried to become mean, it did not work out that well either. Nonetheless, I was confident I could forget,
and that one day she will give up, because I could not live the way I had for
the past years where I carried the torch.
At this point, I am having doubts
over many things in my life. I’m not sure who I can trust. People whom I
thought I’ve built up a reliable network, turned out to be as disappointing,
and foreign as any other stranger. And then everything points back to her. It
is impossible for me to forget her, or perhaps I do not want to do so.
So here lays me, exhausted and
weary. All of these would be simpler if I had been more forthcoming in the past,
if I had been more confident, self-assured, and less of a douche-bag. I am not
one to dwell in the past for long, and I must not, for the future is the only
way forward. The road ahead is murky at best, but my purpose and direction is as
certain as the compass pointing north. I will get what I want, or die trying.
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