Thoughts: 3rd March 2012

                I can think of one word which can sum up how I’m feeling these few days: suffocated. I’m not complaining about the workload, there is a lot to handle, but nothing enough to kill me. But rather, being restricted in my current state and form.

                I know I am being extremely vague, but circumstances dictate that I not be too direct about this matter. But the truth can’t be hidden, I feel under-appreciated, I feel under-valued, and I feel that my potential is neither be fully utilised nor allowed to develop. Worse, I feel powerless against those whose value I stand against: incredible hypocrisy, two-faced, scheming little bitches and rampant immaturity.

                But what really broke my heart is to be ignored. This is despite the extraordinary effort I put in to be a nice person, and a good friend. Maybe I’m trying too hard that I become off-putting, or maybe my strategy of fear has worked too vastly, too well. Or maybe like most other friendships I have, that closeness is a telltale sign of one that is doomed to fail.

                I can do two things, to call it quits and tell myself I don’t need to take this nor do I deserve this while secretly cringe in my own sorrow, or I can pretend that nothing is wrong while the truth slowly kills me inside. I’m sure the person in question would choose the latter, but maybe she won’t feel the sting as I do.

                Maybe this is karma, that is for me to feel the drain of constantly chasing after someone whom hardly reciprocates after doing so myself. Or maybe this thing just isn’t meant to be.

Nightwings