Maybe I’m afraid because I’m feeling again.

                Perhaps more than ever, recent events had opened my eyes to my changes. I have always talks about how I had changed since a few years back, and that I know full sure what these changes are. Now I’m not so sure. I remembered the days where I felt that I was in full control, feeling little of anything else. I felt that I was efficient, lived more by my own rules than bending down to the many complicated rules that emotions and people relationship have to offer.

 But as a helpful friend pointed out, it was just me burying my emotions, perhaps, for when I did get angry (which are the only emotion I believed I could feel), I was essentially out of control. I would admit that over the past year, after quite some trials, many which were emotionally and intellectually draining, I have soften to my initial resolve and let myself go, feeling a bit more human than I ever had in the previous years. Perhaps this is what is scaring me.

I always had trust issues, not sure since when but I take longer to trust than most, or consider another to be a friend. Add to that, my memory is exceptionally adept at remembering grudges. I have had hold grudges (regrettably, at my parents) for at least eight years, thankfully that is over.

The years after my junior college years ended and where my NS begin was a whirlwind of extreme emotions I have never felt before. All of them were devastating. I made it through, all of it, alone for I didn’t speak of these emotions to anyone (that I remember anyway) and I felt a great sense of pride. That is also when I learnt that if I can stay calm I can achieve much more, that I can be alone and needed no one else. It is also when I decided I would live by my own rules and take no shit from anyone.

In the past year, all of these started coming apart. Consciously, I thought not much of it. Perhaps I was too distracted by my new found comfort, perhaps unknowingly, I wanted to be proven wrong and for the moment when I can drop all my burdens, so much so that I dared to tread into the forbidden territory; feelings of affection for another. I have not truly felt this strong for another person for a long time. I was confused as hell, unsure of what to do, how to respond. It wasn’t something I’m good at, in fact, it is something I’m extremely ill-equipped to deal with.

When a particular incident crossed the tripwire, it had awoken me to whatever that is happening to me clearer than before. Everything that I have buried starting coming back, all the years of suppressions is breaking apart. All the rules I’ve set for myself, all the determination, the resolve, and the pride that is so great, that it surpasses and bypasses the pain, all of them is being set in doubt. I have not doubted myself since I completed NS, not so much anyway. The incident is seen as insignificant to others, but its significance to me is beyond explanation.

And after some introspection, I realised that subconsciously, I have a lot riding on this than I initially thought. It is a thorn, a manifestation of the conflict which I accept what I’ve become and breakaway from the cold-calculating self I set out to be, or I reject all these changes and return to what I wanted to be. If you deride this as a simple choice, you clearly do not understand half of what I had written above. There is a lot at stake, most of it I do not actively know and it is something I need to do for myself.

Maybe rather than anger, these are feelings of fear, fear of uncertainty, of weakness, and of opening up. Maybe I’m afraid because I’m starting to feel any other types of emotions again.

Nightwings, 1st Feb 2012