NightWings™ Exquis Libera

Maybe I’m afraid because I’m feeling again.

2012-02-01T22:56:00.001+08:00

Perhapsmore than ever, recent events had opened my eyes to my changes. I have alwaystalks about how I had changed since a few years back, and that I know full surewhat these changes are. Now I’m not so sure. I remembered the days where I feltthat I was in full control, feeling little of anything else. I felt that I wasefficient, lived more by my own rules than bending down to the many complicatedrules that emotions and people relationship have to offer.

But as a helpful friend pointed out, it wasjust me burying my emotions, perhaps, for when I did get angry (which are theonly emotion I believed I could feel), I was essentially out of control. Iwould admit that over the past year, after quite some trials, many which were emotionallyand intellectually draining, I have soften to my initial resolve and let myselfgo, feeling a bit more human than I ever had in the previous years. Perhapsthis is what is scaring me.

I always had trust issues, notsure since when but I take longer to trust than most, or consider another to bea friend. Add to that, my memory is exceptionally adept at remembering grudges.I have had hold grudges (regrettably, at my parents) for at least eight years,thankfully that is over.

The years after my junior collegeyears ended and where my NS begin was a whirlwind of extreme emotions I have neverfelt before. All of them were devastating. I made it through, all of it, alonefor I didn’t speak of these emotions to anyone (that I remember anyway) and Ifelt a great sense of pride. That is also when I learnt that if I can stay calmI can achieve much more, that I can be alone and needed no one else. It is alsowhen I decided I would live by my own rules and take no shit from anyone.

In the past year, all of thesestarted coming apart. Consciously, I thought not much of it. Perhaps I was toodistracted by my new found comfort, perhaps unknowingly, I wanted to be provenwrong and for the moment when I can drop all my burdens, so much so that Idared to tread into the forbidden territory; feelings of affection for another.I have not truly felt this strong for another person for a long time. I wasconfused as hell, unsure of what to do, how to respond. It wasn’t something I’mgood at, in fact, it is something I’m extremely ill-equipped to deal with.

When a particular incidentcrossed the tripwire, it had awoken me to whatever that is happening to meclearer than before. Everything that I have buried starting coming back, allthe years of suppressions is breaking apart. All the rules I’ve set for myself,all the determination, the resolve, and the pride that is so great, that itsurpasses and bypasses the pain, all of them is being set in doubt. I have notdoubted myself since I completed NS, not so much anyway. The incident is seenas insignificant to others, but its significance to me is beyond explanation.

And after some introspection, Irealised that subconsciously, I have a lot riding on this than I initiallythought. It is a thorn, a manifestation of the conflict which I accept what I’vebecome and breakaway from the cold-calculating self I set out to be, or Ireject all these changes and return to what I wanted to be. If you deride thisas a simple choice, you clearly do not understand half of what I had writtenabove. There is a lot at stake, most of it I do not actively know and it is somethingI need to do for myself.

Maybe rather than anger, theseare feelings of fear, fear of uncertainty, of weakness, and of opening up.Maybe I’m afraid because I’m starting to feel any other types of emotionsagain.

Nightwings, 1st Feb 2012

Jan 13th, Friday, 2012

2012-01-13T17:34:00.000+08:00

Many complain about how life is unfair, and many more think they are offering good advice by telling another life is as such. I usually keep quiet to these remarks, but my real feelings towards them can be elegantly expressed in three words; balls to you. Neither are those valid excuses for injustice, failure, or any other sort of misgivings, nor are they friendly advice that is worthy to be given.

This fatalism is unhelpful, if not detrimental to anyone. It signals a rejection towards an alternative course of action, is usually an attempt to enforce one’s false sense of worldliness on another, and is a snide remark to undermine one’s ability to accept the situation.

It is difficult, if not impossible to define true fairness; there are too many variables and subjectivity involved. Thus, it is extremely fallacious to brand the world, or life as unfair simply due to a particular situation. Insistence on this point just shows one’s narcissistic obsession on the immediacy whilst ignoring that which could have, or already had happened that is not observed.

The universe existed billions of years before an individual and will continue to be around for billions after. A particular event of unfairness might have its ramifications occurring at a much later time, or is itself a consequence of another event which occurred before. Just because one does not see the bigger picture, does not mean there is none.

Everyone is keenly aware of the apparent inequalities in life and in the world; there is little point in trying to further propagate this knowledge. Perhaps true fairness does not exist, perhaps it does, or perhaps the world is neither fair nor unfair, it just is. Our existent is such that any real objectivity is impossible, thus, fairness is relative and extremely subjective. Do me a favour, do not ever tell me life is unfair, and I will do the same. Each of us is capable of change.

Nightwings

I Hunger

2011-09-16T21:23:00.001+08:00

I was watching the video of the makings of Rocky by Sylvester Stallone (evidently against the imperative to study and do my school work) and frankly I was quite inspired by it. People can criticise the movie, but I kinda enjoyed it. Moreover, his unbeatable spirit and devotion to what his believes in is truly something not many of us can hold to. I wouldn’t wanna dwell too much on the actual process, but one portion of it especially set me in awe; when he described his hunger.

To sidetrack a little, the thing about achievements is, they’re good stuff. They make you feel secured, give you that enhancement of self-worth when you need it the most, everyone needs to feel that they have at least some achievements they can be proud of it. On the other hand, the problem with achievements is that they make you comfortable, sometimes too comfortable that you become weak, soft, and complacent.

In the recent days, I find myself starting to lose my edge and feeling unable to cope with the stress at school, amongst friends, and maintaining my personal principles and stature. Now it’s not like I have never been in situations like these before; they happen all the time before the beginning of a rigorous curriculum where I placed too many expectations upon myself, crash and burn, before finally emerging hanging by the thread. But this time, I did not really want it to be the same. I want to be better.

So I set out, determined to find a way to make things easier. I knew I had to change something about my current lifestyle; diet and exercise won’t really help as much as they already have; stress relieving techniques like playing video games only take my mind off matters for as long as I’m playing them, and they induce an incredible sense of guilt for me to want to indulge into them; talking it out with friends is a viable solution, but unfortunately I do not have that many friends whom I can hold a decent conversation regarding these things. After much thought, I realise how I’ve missed the most obvious problem; I’m always too gloomy. So I made a decision to become more cheerful. Now this might sound like what any random friend would ask me to do, but for those who know me this, this would be a huge step forward, with the significance akin to the discovery of electricity.

Now back to Sylvester Stallone, the thing which he made me realise is that, sometimes we need to put ourselves in a position to succeed. Sure, the sheer will power and determination is necessary, but without the right environment, it will quickly die out, like how he was in the abysmal hole of poverty and hunger, how he burnt all bridges so that he only have one way to go; the only way he wanted to go. I have had a couple of achievements that I’m decently proud of, and they helped me regain my confidence in the past few years. They were really helpful, but if I wanted to come out this stronger, I had to be more extreme, I need to put away all my achievements, dive into the hole of desperate where I have nowhere to go, leave the comfort zone of safety, for it is only then can I raise from the ashes of the obscure like a metaphorical phoenix and attain the greatness I strive for.

Now with the odds of difficulty stacking against me, I feel a strange sense of excitement. It’s not a new feeling and it’s making me unable to control myself, with a mixture of fear yet eagerness for the challenge, like the adrenaline we get before we speak up to a really attractive lady (a feat I still find difficult to accomplish), or like the moments before they announce the results you’re waiting for. I don’t know where I would go from here, or what the precise steps I must take are, but I know I want to overcome, to excel, and to inspire awe. I feel my hunger, before the great looming uncertainty of the future. Wish me luck.

Nightwings, of dust

A Long Overdued Reflective Piece

2011-07-31T01:46:00.002+08:00

I haven quite spoken to myself for a while, and by that I mean reflecting upon myself. Every single day's just so laden with work that in moments which I could spend to my discretion without guilt, I just wanted to take my mind off everything.

Recent events had really made me tired, and not just the type of tired where I can be fine after rest or a getaway. It's a form of tired of makes you... weary of everything. I devoted everything I have into the only thing I know I can do now, that is school work. It has become so much a part of my life that I nearly forgotten everything else. A year ago I would tell anyone that there is nothing more I would rather want.

A year later today, I would still give the same answer, but no longer in the passionate, enthusiastic spirit. I'm always fighting. A year ago, fighting for my grades, fighting for confidence and nerve. Today I'm fighting the disappointments, the frustrations, fighting the negativity that spawns from wasting effort to fight against matters which are in every way, avoidable (now that sounds awfully perplexing), I'd give examples; oversensitivity, conflicts, plain laziness, and sloppiness in work.

I ask, what the hell am I doing with people who really couldn't care less? Why do I need to put up with them? Yet I can't take the obvious "Oh just ignore them" or "Just say it to their faces". It's so difficult to let people know that sometimes, I really just want to be alone, not because I hate anyone, but just that I feel more comfortable being alone than to be trapped with people whom I feel no connection to.

I look into facebook, I see people living their lives. I look in the mirror, I can't decide what am I feeling. I realise I can't express my emotions other than anger, and sadness, but that usually leads to anger as well. What am I becoming? Am I happy? Do I want to be happy or am I just looking for reasons not to be?

Zi Liang
31st July 2011

ESL 407 Repost: Give Blood, Give life

2011-05-11T12:10:00.002+08:00

Long overdue repost.

The scientific fiction novel, The War of the Worlds by H.G. Wells depicts a Martian invasion of earth, where the invaders fed on human blood via direct transfusion with a gigantic needle. Exaggerations like this, along with many other myths dampen the will of a potential blood donor, and make one lose sight of the need to donate blood. Blood donation is a worthy cause, and it serves not only to benefit the recipient of the donation, but also to that of society and the donor himself.

With some research, or just trying a donation once, one would realise many of these myths and fears are groundless, while the benefits are substantial. For instance, some might think that because the human body has limited blood, we should not readily donate it away. The truth is, during each donation we only give away 450ml of blood, an amount easily replenished by the human body within a few weeks. The loss of fluid can easily be replaced within a few hours by drinking water, while the replacement of the red blood cells and white blood cells take only three days and three weeks respectively. There is also common misconception that vegetarians cannot donate blood due to lack of iron in their system. However, this is false as the iron taken away during the donation is retrieved from the excess storage in the body. Vegetarians will be able to restore their iron level with a balanced diet if they were healthy before the donation.

A research conducted in Gujarat, India found that while regular donors should intake iron supplements to prevent anaemia and iron storage deficiency, there were no significant difference in iron levels in both vegetarians and non-vegetarian, furthering the point that vegetarians are safe to donate blood.

The most common excuse is the fear of needles, and the pain felt during the donation. While the phobia for needles is personal, and difficult to overcome, the pain felt during a donation is no more than a prick of the needle, and no greater than an ant’s bite. The accounts of regular donors can testify for the painless experience. The skillful medical attendant is able avoid the donor’s nerves and insert the needle without pain. Scarring after donation is also rare as long as the donor allow himself or herself to get sufficient rest after the event.

Once a person overcomes the myths of donating blood, it's benefits to society become eminent. According to numbers released by the Health Science Authority on their website, Singapore requires an average of a hundred thousand units of blood a year just to meet the transfusion needs of patients in Singapore. With an aging population, as well as the development of sophisticated medical procedures which requires more transfusion, the demand for donors is ever rising.

On average, a single donation can save three lives. This is not without a logical explanation; six hours after the donation, the unit of blood can be processed into different blood products to treat many different medical conditions. For example, the red blood cells are required to treat patients with anaemia, or to replace losses in instances of acute bleeding. The platelets are sometimes used to treat patients with leukaemia due to their inability to produce enough platelets from their bone marrow, which help clot blood and repair damaged blood vessels. The plasma from the whole donated blood is separated and frozen to keep fresh. It contributes to the blood clotting during an injury and prevents blood loss. Patients who bleed excessively or have missing blood-clotting factors often require plasma transfusion. As such, we can see that each unit of donated blood is valued, and separated into it’s respective component in order to maximise it’s usage.

People who regularly require the different components of donated blood include cancer patients, who need blood and platelet transfusion almost daily after chemotherapy treatment, especially the O- subgroup. Without it, their chances of living are greatly reduced. Anaemia patients also require blood transfusion to increase their red blood cells level, due to the inability of their bone marrow to produce sufficient blood. The red blood cells act as the carrier of oxygen to all parts of the body, with insufficient red blood cells, anaemia patients will develop complications, and most are fatal. They require a monthly blood transfusion to survive. A single car accident victim can require up to a hundred units of blood, while almost all surgical procedures requires blood from donors, whether as red blood cell, platelets or plasma.

Most donors willingly undergo donation without expectation of rewards, although the donation too, brings benefits to that of the donor. After the donation, the blood count in our body decreases, this stimulates our bone marrow to produce new blood. The average lifespan of a blood cell in our circulation is around four months, by donating it away, we stimulate our body to produce new blood cells and refresh our system. This will benefit our general health, and that of the recipient, even though the blood we donate away is considered old.

Blood donation not only improves the health of our blood stream, it might even be a solution to some prevailing health problems we have. Studies showed that regular blood donation will help those with iron overload; those with too much iron in their blood. This can be inherited, or a result of over-consumption. This excess iron in our system can cause many complications; firstly, the presence of iron encourages the formation of free radicals, which may cause atherosclerosis, which is the building up of cholesterol on the arterial walls, potentially causing a heart attack. Free radicals are also known to be the leading cause of cancer and Alzheimer.

According to a study conducted by University of the Orange Free State, South Africa, blood donation can, lower the level of harmful cholesterol in the donor’s body, increase the anti-oxidant status of the body, lower the iron level in the system, and therefore the risk of atherosclerosis by changing the chemicals that lead to it.

Health benefits aside, the best reward, and greatest joy of donating blood is the performance of an altruistic act. Knowing that one’s blood will save the lives of the others brings joy to the donor, as well as a stronger sense of responsibility, and belonging to society.

The greatest fear one can have during a donation, is contacting disease while giving blood. Unsafe blood transfusion practises are no myths; the ‘Blood-head’ scandal in China, Henan left hundreds of thousands of people devastated, and infected with HIV.

Through early until the mid 1990s, in an attempt to supply the market of blood products, a network of businessmen and government workers set up hundreds of unofficial blood stations in the Henan province. Many repeatedly sold their blood to the blood stations, which pooled the blood into a central pool. The plasma content in the blood was extracted before being injected back into those who sold them, in an effort to aid their recovery for another transfusion.

The blood stations did not screen ‘donors’ for potential diseases, reused needles, and mixed the blood into a central pool. This ensured the outbreak of blood-borne diseases, where hundreds of thousands were left infected with HIV. As villages die out and journalists harassed to cover-up the story, not one of the government officials was held accountable. The ‘blood-head’ scandal was unfortunate, but one should not let that incident dampen their will to donate blood.

While the profiteering of blood through unsafe transfusions causes a further outspread of blood-borne diseases, the incident in Henan is an isolated event, and resulted from greed. One should not donate blood purely for the sake of seeking benefits or rewards. Only illegal blood stations in Singapore can offer returns for blood transfusion, and with no official supervision, it is difficult to say how safe the procedures will be. The standards set by the World Health Organisation seek to promote blood donation as an act of pure benevolent rather than for benefits, and Singapore is adopting that model.

The official blood donation events are carried out by the Singapore Red Cross society, under strict supervision from the Health Science Authority, a far fetch from the ‘blood-head; scandal in China. The procedures are safe, and the staffs are trained to carry out the donation without risk to the donors. The needles are one-use, and individuals are given grace periods of three months before they are allowed to donate again. The blood collected on the other hand, undergoes at least thirteen medical tests for infection, and blood-borne diseases, before being deem safe for usage. Blood donation in Singapore is safe, as long as we go to the official drives.

To a potential donor, blood donation can be a hassle or phobia, but to someone who needs that transfusion, blood donation is a life saver. The fear is understandable, but the lives a blood donation can save can not be outmatched by a monetary donation of any sum. One would never know when the day will come, when he or she requires a blood transfusion, and is saved by the blood of a faceless, nameless donor elsewhere. Stories might preach of great deeds of self-sacrifice, and heroes who change the world, but in our world, there is only one way to change the world for the better, that is by one small act of kindness at a time, starting from the first blood donation.

ESL408: Research Paper Final Draft

2011-04-29T10:10:00.002+08:00

Pessimism

Just a few notes. First, this is a relatively long post (though not as long as I was allowed), second because of the academic requirements the structure of the paper is also not of what I initially intended. If you're keen to discuss more on the topic or wish to obtain some of the articles cited in this paper do let me know with the appriopriate channels.

The first and greatest victory is to conquer yourself; to be conquered by yourself is of all things most shameful and vile. – Plato

To most, the idea of pessimism and optimism can be represented by the metaphor which one either sees a glass of water as half empty or half full. While the essence of this simple metaphor captures the idea of pessimism and optimism, many do not see that it also brings across a point that while we might be well aware of either, our ignorance of the other does not mean it does not exist; our ability to perceive the glass of water as half full does not discount the fact that the glass is also half empty.

Like the half filled glass, the benefits of optimism are common knowledge and are unquestioned; it is intuitive that an alluring future feels better than a depressing one, hence most suggest embracing optimism in the event of an uncertain future (as cited in Sweeny K. & Shepperd J. A., 2009).

On the other hand, not only do most leave the intricacies of pessimism untouched, many disagree with its notion. This is to be expected as it fails as a tool for motivation, creates unnecessary cardinal stress, and is usually damaging to one’s social circle. However, much like how seismologists study earthquakes to understand them and how microbiologists study viral organisms to learn ways to combat them, psychologists venture into the study of the various forms of pessimism to better understand why do we develop such thoughts. Consequently, it helps the individual to further understand himself.

Especially in a time where the world experience changes faster than before, it is imperative that the understanding of ourselves do not wavier along with the trends. Optimism might be an important aspect of our lives, but pessimism is equally irreplaceable for it keeps us going in times of turbulence.

To understand pessimism is to look beyond its apparent disruptive nature. As we explore the deep intricacies of our faculties, including our pessimistic tendencies, we take a step forward in understanding many of our reflexive responses that will better help us attain control. In particular, scholars in psychology observed instances whereby individuals, including optimists, made use of pessimism at critical junctures as an effort to protect their self worth. Before we can understand these themes, we must first understand the meaning of pessimism given it’s ambiguity in definition and the extensive range of ideas it covers.

Pessimism is understood as negativity or an outlook of life, thinking, or behaviour whereby the negative outcomes and its possibility are exaggerated and assumed. Most usages of it do not go beyond this meaning. Although the focus of this research paper is on this definition, it is also important for us to understand two other common usage of the term.

Subsequently, the second definition of pessimism functions as a doctrine of life; it is an understanding that the amount of evil in the world outweighs the amount of good, and that evil will eventually be triumphant over good.

Finally, the third definition pessimism is used by philosophers as a philosophical tool to examine the world. The most notable philosopher of pessimism was Arthur Schopenhauer and his work, The World as Will and Representation (1818). Schopenhauer’s pessimism stemmed from his claims that life is destined to be in struggle and frustration, for dreams unfulfilled led to the anguish of desire, while dreams fulfilled led to the pains of idle (Wicks, 2003). Evidently, the meanings for pessimism differ in form and usage despite the similar semantic direction.

To return to the focus of this research paper, we would first explore why and how people become pessimistic before moving on to the uses of pessimism.

Given the opportunity, most would rather be optimistic, but many know the harm of being overly so. For instance, overly optimistic leaders can become over-confident in their ability to achieve a goal. This can lead to situations of groupthink[1] as the members of the group might be too concerned over the harmony and optimism of the group as well as the enthusiasm of the leader and restrain from pointing out a fatal error. Needless to say this would have disastrous results.

Likewise, optimism can be detrimental to our emotions when anticipating the future as it is quickly disconfirmed on failure or when the outcome does not match up to the expectations. Consequently, most are aware of these costs of optimism as shown that most are more likely to suggest pessimism when faced with an oncoming feedback (as cited in Sweeny K. & Shepperd J. A., 2009).

On the other hand, pessimism is particularly useful to the individual’s emotional protection in face of failure. Individuals feel a greater emotional burden when their optimistic beliefs are radically disproved as compared to having their pessimistic expectations fulfilled (Martin A. J., Marsh H. W., & Debus R. L., 2003).

In addition, knowing the possibility of failure prompts one to go through greater measures to avoid it. This form of pessimism differs from the general meaning of pessimism as instead of expecting failure, the individual thinks about the possibility of failure. This is supported by Martin, Marsh, and Debus (2003) and is coined as reflectivity. The studies have shown that negative thinkers generally outperform positive thinkers while individuals who expect failure are outperformed by all others (as cited in Martin A. J., Marsh H. W., & Debus R. L., 2003). This is to be expected as the negative thinkers would naturally anticipate possible hiccups and hence, do not get caught as unexpected compared to positive thinkers. On the other hand, individuals who expected failure altogether had completely relinquished hopes of success and thus, unmotivated to achieve the otherwise.

However, to denounce optimism would be foolish for in other situations, optimism is a keystone towards success. This is especially so for a leader, for not only must he create optimism in his followers with hope, he must look forward with a pessimistic diligence. Maintaining a balance between the two is an uphill task and it becomes a problem when a leader disregards one over the other.

Going further, most people had, at some point, utilised pessimism unconsciously. There are a few explanations why people can become pessimistic even though the negative effects on one’s emotions and social circle are apparent.

From an evolutionary perspective, if our ancestors had not anticipated the worst and found themselves prepared for it, they would had long been eliminated by the processes of natural selection; in a pernicious environment, embracing optimism can be particularly dangerous.

From a cognitive perspective, pessimism is a tool for one to protect his sense of self-worth, especially in the event of failure. Covington (1884, 1992) suggests that failure can be interpreted by the individual as a signpost of inability and thus, a threat to one’s sense of value (as cited in, Martin A. J., Marsh H. W., & Debus R. L., 2003). Hence, in effort to prevent one from arriving at such a conclusion, the individual employs several psychological tactics before, during, and after the process of an event.

Before the events which determines whether the individual had attained success or otherwise, Martin, Marsh, and Debus (2003) observed that individuals employ self-handicapping and defensive pessimism to safeguard their self-worth.

Firstly, self-handicapping involves one actively placing obstacles to hamper his path to success. This would allow the individual to divert the origins of his failure away from the lack of ability by placing the fault on the obstacles. In addition, self-handicapping enables the individual to steer away from dissociation between one’s idealised self and actual self. Examples of self-handicapping include procrastination, intentionally including one into situations to impede performance, and avoiding practise for an upcoming task.

No doubt an individual who partake in self-handicapping can be viewed as being in denial or fear of acknowledging incapability. Furthermore, much of this self-perception might be subjective and thus, may be unreasonable compared to real world standards. This stems from a pessimistic outlook and the intentional placing of obstacles is no doubt counter-productive and detrimental the actual performance.

Conversely, defensive pessimism does not manifest into physical act and exist as a cognitive process. Specifically, defensive pessimism comprises of two components; defensive expectations whereby the individual purposefully lowers his expectation to unrealistic levels, and reflectivity as mentioned earlier whereby the individual thinks about the possible negative outcome before he has been evaluated.

In defensive expectations, the individual realises the difficulty ahead and develops a mental framework of coping with the difficulty in order to reduce their anxiety and increase the sense of control. In turn, this also lowers the limit to which the individual can be satisfied with his achievement, effectively minimising the damage to the self-worth and maximising the amount of gratification (as cited in Martin et al, 2003). The concept of reflectivity had been explored earlier and was classified under defensive pessimism due to its’ cognitive nature.

Consequently, individuals engage in defensive pessimism as an effort to boost their level of control over themselves and ultimately the situation. In contrast, a self-handicapper seeks to alter the reasons for failure rather than changing the amount of perceived control. Needless to say, it is less likely that a defensive pessimist will suffer performance-wise compared to a self-handicapper. While the aim of both processes is to protect one’s self of value due to a fear of failure, Martin et al (2003) suggests the two partially originate from one’s negative self-evaluation.

To understand why people suffer this negative self-evaluation (and thus becoming defensive pessimists or self-handicappers), let us examine two different types of personalities, namely the performance-oriented and task-oriented personality.

Performance-oriented individuals gauge their achievements by comparing it with other individuals, see the results as a direct gauge on their calibre, and are concerned with how they are being perceived. To this end, their motivation towards achievements lay primarily on avoiding failure and its’ potential consequences for it posts a direct threat to their self-worth.

On the other hand, task-oriented individuals gauge their achievements in terms of mastery of the subject at hand and view failure as a reflection of their efforts rather than calibre. To them, failure also serves as a feedback which can be utilised for improvements in future. Needless to say, task-oriented individual generally do not fear failure as much for it poses little threat to their sense of self-worth.

Martin et al (2003) suggests that performance-oriented individuals have a greater tendency to engage self-handicapping actions and pessimistic expectations (expecting failure) while task-oriented individuals tend towards reflectivity. In this case, pessimism and optimism are products of personality rather than a cause of behaviour.

Subsequently, while there is little doubt that self-handicapping is harmful to the individual, reflectivity is important for personal growth and it is only possible with some degree of pessimism in the individual. Moreover, defensive pessimists also protect themselves from an irrecoverable burnout at a minimal risk to their chances at success. To this end, these forms of pessimism are definitely not something to be ignored.

Subsequently, during the process of an event, individuals are influenced by factors which sway their tendency to become optimistic or pessimistic. For instance, in the process of decision making, the study by Menon, Kyung, and Agrawal (Menon G., Kyung E. J., & Agrawal N., 2008) showed that people engage in comparative optimism (or pessimism); they tend to be biased when evaluating social situations. For example, they believe that it is more likely for them to receive good things (e.g. having a gifted child) than other people and less likely for bad things to happen to them (e.g. becoming a victim of crime or accidents). This bias in comparison extents to one’s perceived vulnerability to illnesses, intelligence, and chances of himself emerging victorious in steep competitions (as cited in Menon G., Kyung E. J., & Agrawal N., 2008).

Menon et al (2008) concludes in his study that the extent and type of this biasness depends on the individual’s perceived level of control; if the individual perceived himself to be in high control, it is likely that he would develop comparative optimism. In contrast, if the level of perceived control is low, the individual develops comparative pessimism.

Also, the study showed that if the individual had developed comparative optimism, they will feel motivated if the difference between them and the subject of comparison is emphasised upon. For example, months before an examination the individual might perceive himself to be in control due to the long periods of time available before the event. As such, he can be motivated to work harder if the difference between him and another fellow student had been stressed upon.

On the other hand, in situations where the individual has a low level of perceived control, their motivation would source from stressing on the similarity of the comparison subject. For example, when an individual is combating an unknown illness, his motivation would come mostly from knowing that there are other individuals experiencing the same illness or are at the same level of suffering as he is. Thus, the individual’s position on optimism and pessimism depends heavily on the level of perceived control.

In addition, Vosgerau (2010) argues that time plays an important role in influencing people’s outlook of the possibility of success and failure; as the moment of truth comes closer, most people adapt by switching into a more pessimistic outlook, possibly to shield themselves from the fallout of failure. This effect of time is further supported by Sweeny & Shepperd (2009) whereby they deduced that most people are well aware of the potential damage of optimism and switches to pessimism in face of an impending outcome.

As the moment for feedback approaches, the individual is likely to feel less control over the outcome and thus, feel a greater amount of uncertainty. Physiologically speaking, uncertainty resulting from the lack of control induces more stress than negative information. Hence the subsequent response is to reduce this stress by engaging pessimism. In this case, pessimism can be seen as a tool to attain a form of balance within the individual by counteracting lack of control or overcompensating for excessive control.

At this phase, it is evident that people switch between optimism and pessimism even as pessimism seems to take dominance. The argument stands for itself that pessimism is an important step for the individual to feel an increased sense of control and security and it would serve as psychological mechanism within us that would allow us to bounce back from failure.

Finally, when the ability to alter the outcome is over, individuals engage in another form of pessimism to shield themselves from a failure. The phenomenon, coined as retroactive pessimism (Tykocinski O. & Steinberg N., 2003; Sanna J. L. & Chang E. C., 2003), describes individuals reinterpreting past events to help them manage the stress created.

Similar to hindsight bias[2], retroactive pessimists distorts their perception of the past to make their failures seem inexorable by reducing the possibility of success (Tykocinski O. & Steinberg N., 2003).

While the individual can employ a variety of techniques to brace themselves for the impact of failure on their self-worth (as such defensive pessimism), often the sting of the actual failure is still hard to bear. As such, retroactive pessimism describes the process the individual undertakes to mitigate this sting either by creating reasons that support the outcome or by not thinking about possible positive outcomes.

This process can be compared to self-handicapping, but the contrast lies in the order which the events take place; self-handicappers intentionally place obstacles to impede themselves while it is still possible for them to influence the outcome; retroactive pessimist reinterpret the failure by creating factors which may not had existed or were insignificant make failure seem unpreventable.

Interestingly, in the two studies conducted by Tykocinski & Steinberg (2003), it was discovered that only optimists made use of retroactive pessimism. The study also found that individuals who had disparity between their perceived level of self-control and their desired level of self-control were especially prone to use retroactive pessimism.

Undoubtedly, retroactive pessimism can be seen as another form of self denial, but it is a key step in allowing the individual to move on from a present failure. It only becomes a problem when the individual chooses to ignore rooms for improvement which could have prevented the present failure and consequently, lapse into another failure. Similarly, while optimism would also allow the individual to move on from the present failure by allowing the individual to focus on a rosy future ahead, it has the same potential pitfall as retroactive pessimism. Perhaps a better way to move on from a failure would be to utilise a combination of both tactics, thus allowing the individual to protect his sense of self-worth yet acknowledge rooms for improvements.

Lastly, while the gist of this research paper argues for pessimism, it is in no way trying to undermine optimism. Undoubtedly, optimism is explicably beneficial to the self-worth and also provides several health benefits (as cited in Sweeny K., Shepperd J., 2010). However, pessimism is equally important as in other cases as it serves as a counterbalance in failure.

Without any of the processes of pessimism described above, the individual might descend endlessly into a state of psychological anarchy. Building on this fact, it may appear ironic that not only does pessimism serves as a safety net to prevent the individual from falling further into failure, it is also a stepping stone for him to return to the normal state of mind. Thus, it is importance for us to place the same amount of emphasis on pessimism, for it is only possible because the individual have had potential for optimism.

[1] A situation whereby the group makes decision in order to ensure harmony rather than for objective purposes

[2] Hindsight bias - The tendency for an individual to see an event which has already occurred to be more predictable than before they took place

References

Martin A., Marsh H., Debus R. (2002) Self-handicapping and defensive pessimism: A model of self-protection from a longitudinal perspective. Comtemporary Education Psychology 28, 1-36.

Menon G., Kyung E., Agrawal N. (2008) Biases in social comparisons: Optimism or pessimism? Organisational Behaviour and Human Decision Processes, 108, 39-52.

Sanna L, Chang C (2003) The past is not what it used to be: Optimist’s use of retroactive pessimism to diminish the sting of failure. Journal of Research in Personality, 37 (5), 338-404.

Sweeny K., Shepperd J. (2010) The Costs of Optimism and the Benefits of Pessimism. American Psychological Association, Emotion 10 (5), 750-753.

Tykocinsky O, Steinberg N (2003) Coping with disappointing outcomes: Retroactive pessimism and motivated inhibition of counterfactuals. Journal of Experimental Social Psychology, 41(5), 551-558.

Vosgerau J. (2009) How Prevalent is Wishful Thinking? Mistrribution of Arousal Causes Optimism and Pessimism in Subjective Probabilities. Journal of Experimental Psychology, 139 (1), 32-48.

Wicks R. (2010). Arthur Schopenhauer. The Stanford Encyclopedia of Philosophy (Winter 2010 Edition). Retrieved from http://plato.stanford.edu/entries/schopenhauer/

ESL Essay Repost: A Matter of Honour

2011-02-21T19:26:00.002+08:00

Kudos to those who gave me ideas for this essay.

Theodore Roosevelt once said that no man is above the law, and no man is below it; nor do we ask any man for permission when we ask him to obey it. All of us were born under the laws of a nation that safeguards and limits us. The authority of the law, and it’s enforcers are dauntless and unquestioned. Upon the great courts of nations etched the words of law and justice, but justice had not always been associated with law; Civilisations before us had their own set of rules which, although were enforced loosely by society rather than the state, promised harsh punishments to those who went against them; before the rise of the culture of law, in it’s place was the culture of honour.

The law is a set of comprehensive rules, which the enforcer, a representative of the state, is given full authority to exert punishment on a felon. In a culture of law, the people give up a portion of their freedom in exchange for stability. On the other hand, the culture of honour does not have such a well defined structure; Different cultures have varying degrees of honour systems and levels of enforcements. Much like the law system, honour systems have obligations but the enforcement on the other hand is either nonexistent or sporadically carried out by the rest of society. In general we identify one with honour as an individual who follows an unspoken creed, sometimes irrationally, which requires one to display qualities such as honesty, integrity, respect, and fairness.

Honour today carries much less of a meaning as it did in the past. While the notion of honour is still prevalent in our everyday life, the consequences of losing one’s honour are less severe than breaking a law. For instance, honour in today’s workplace can be coined as work ethics. While some work ethics must be enforced with upmost standards, as such the confidentiality agreement between company and client, other work ethics can be toed without landing one into trouble, examples include punctuality, efficiency, and respect for co-workers. Much like the honour system in older civilisations, work ethics are rarely in written form and exist as an unspoken agreement.

Many aspects of our world today still employ honour systems as a functioning mechanism that is based on trust and honesty. In most cases the users are not monitored, or are only subjected to occasional random audits as it is believed that the strong negative concept of cheating the system will be sufficient deterrence. In other cases, the honour system is employed because the cost of maintaining a monitoring system outweighs the cost of having users break the honour system. Some examples include some transportation systems where the authorities find it infeasible to maintain a ticket checking system at every station, and thus depend on casual manual checks on commuters. [1] More prominently, is the system of bail when one is arrested; the arrestee is released and given the trust that he would return to court when required to.

Another example of honour in modern day is the gentlemen’s code, which requires a male to behaviour in a certain way in order to be recognised as a gentleman. There are many variations to the gentleman’s code, but the core values require one to put the good of the rest above oneself, take honour in one’s words, display gracious treatment of a lady, be humble and when possible, compel others around him to be humble. [2]

While the gentlemen’s code is required for society to function, it would not result in punishment when violated as our system of law does not explicitly require a male to be a gentleman, such is the irony. The same can be said for other modern day honour systems like work ethics, friendship clauses, and in some society, parental-child agreements.

Unlike those unwritten agreements of today, civilisations in the past partake in the notion of honour as the tendons of their lives. For instance, in feudal medieval Japan, the samurai clans adhere to a code of the warrior, more famously known as Bushido. This code stressed values such as loyalty, honour, and self sacrifice. Bushido had such a strong grip on the samurai clans that the only way to cleanse a man after breaking the code was ritualised suicide. [3]

Bushido owed it’s roots to Confucianism which the students were expected to recall and apply it’s teaching in daily life. While Confucianism touched on certain religious aspects, it’s other widely accepted teaching include loyalty to family ties, filial piety, respect for the elders, and the famous quote, “Do not do to others what you do not want done to yourself”. Dynasties governed their empire with the teachings of Confucianism and thus it is an understatement to suggest it had merely a strong impact. [3]

During the medieval period, the English knights follow their own set of honour, taught by institutions of knighthood known as the chivalry. [4] It was a concept of heroism which the knights were taught to excel in weaponry, display courage, gallant, loyalty, and to reject cowardice and baseness. The similarity between chivalry and Bushido was drawn clear by Inzao Nitobe in his book, Bushido: The Soul of Japan. [5]

While the honour systems served many civilisations well, it eventually took a backseat to other value systems that fitted into society as it changed, for instance, fighting with honour became obsolete as troops embraced guerrilla warfare tactics. The noble knights also found themselves ineffective in warfare with the advent of the crossbow, and eventually, firearms. Terrorists in particular, fought little honour, using any means necessary to inflict maximum causalities. Even our modern military fought with any means necessary to win, including airstrikes and deploying ambush positions. We had moved on from the times since the Code Duello of the Roman Empire where two men duelled one-on-one to defend their honour. [6]

Not just in warfare and combat, our moral systems of honour also experienced a gradual decline as it became optional, sometimes detrimental for survival. Students in particular suffered a dilemma as they struggled with the issue of plagiarism; the act itself is against the rules of almost all education institutes in our nation, but sometimes it is loosely enforced upon and any mind with the slightest knowledge of deception could exploit the loopholes. The choice is between needing extensive effort to produce work of quality and pride, against requiring lesser effort to modify an existing idea to the equal quality. Thus, at the end of the day, it is a matter of honour for the student, and how much pride and effort he chose to put inside his work. Some would chose the path of honour to present their original pieces of work as much as possible, but society does not always acknowledge these efforts as those from the other side receive an equal amount of acknowledgement.

Most of us still live with some form of code of honour; Principles and rules we would never violate but the cruel irony is that society does not readily acknowledge the need for it. Honour is what makes society functional, liveable and hold one’s life together, not the empty successes obtained by less lighted paths. Laws could govern and inflict fear but the law is not outreaching; honour is that which keeps one in check where the laws do not; honour is what makes one do the right thing even when no one is looking. Honour is when one looks in the mirror and is not repulsed by what one sees.

References

1. David Hein (2008), Learning Responsibility and Honor. Washington Times, Retrieved from http://www.washingtontimes.com/news/2008/jul/03/learning-responsibility-and-honor/ 3rd February 2011

2. Grim (2006), To be a Gentleman. Retrieved from http://www.blackfive.net/main/2006/12/to_be_a_gentlem.html 3rd February 2011

3. V.Goossaert (2006). China: Religions. Encyclopedia of Language & Linguistics. Retrieved from Elsevier Ltd ScienceDirect Journals 3rd February 2011

4. James L. Gillespie (2003). Richard II’s knights: chivalry and patronage. Journal of Medieval History, Volume 13 issue 2, 143-159. Retrieved from Elsevier Ltd ScienceDirect Journals 3rd February 2011

5. Inazo Nitobe (1900), Bushido: The Soul Of Japan. , Leeds and Biddle Company, Philadelphia

6. The American Experience, Code Duello: The Rules of Dueling. Retrieved from http://www.pbs.org/wgbh/amex/duel/sfeature/rulesofdueling.html 3rd February 2011

7. James Bowman, Honour. Retrieved from http://www.jamesbowman.net/honor.asp/ 3rd February

NightWings, Of Dust

ESL Journal repost: My Cellvation

2010-11-13T09:17:00.001+08:00

I remembered the time when cell phones became popular in Singapore, before that the pager was the biggest thing. Then, I could barely speak, and cell phones were a luxury in which only parents could afford. I could not understand the hype then, as my elder sister relentlessly bugged my parents to get her one. The next time I had any real contact with cell phones, was entering secondary school where my classmates started flashing out their shiny, but illegal devices, as the school had banned students from bringing mobile phones to school.

Since then, the prices of mobile phones became so low that, everyone was expected to own and carry one wherever they go. My parents had of course, jumped the bandwagon got me one so that I would not look too bad in front of my friends, and of course, so that they can keep track of my whereabouts.

Today, mobile phones are so common that it has completely replaced the tradition landline. The features of the cell phone also expanded beyond being just a phone; it is now a camera, map with global-positioning, mini-computer and personal organiser. Likewise, the phone I own have also move on with the times; my first monochrome cell phone was eventually replaced by a coloured one, then to one with GPRS-enabled and a built-in camera, followed by a regress to one without a camera due to National Service, and finally now, an Apple IPhone.

Without a doubt, the Apple IPhone is serving me well; it allows me to surf the internet, log on to Facebook, check my e-mail, browse through my organiser and even grant me access to my documents, while on the go. However, while it has become part of my daily life, I would say I never caught on the craze, even today. For my peers however, it is another story.

I know people who can not sit for ten minutes without needing to check their phones. I could not tell what impact the cell phone has on their lives, but their indulgence certainly influence me in more ways than I like.

Most evidently, is during school, where, despite stern warnings not to use their mobile phones, there are classmates who waste their lesson times away, clicking on their phones and generating a field that distracts all fellow students around them. With the advent of touch screen phones, the problematic clicking sound had been resolved, but the field of distraction remains; some students simply refuse to put their phones on silence mode.

Sometimes, when the instructor becomes irritated enough by repeated usage of mobile phones, he or she takes over the responsibility of educating classroom etiquette. Little known, in doing so, the instructor served only to amplify the field of distraction by disrupting the class. Everyone at some point of their lives is guilty of such, I am no exception, but the thing most people lack is the ability to be discreet. One can do whatever one likes, as long as he or she does not get caught in the act.

Another situation where the cell phone serves as a major distraction is during that of a project discussion. Perhaps it is due to the informal atmosphere during the discussion, that people periodically recede into their cellular world in mist of the discussion. This action is so subconscious and normal, that neither the perpetrator nor the observers notice this phenomenon. I cannot say the same for myself.

Being one of the few individuals who are detached from the world of mobile phones, I find my cell phone to be annoying as a wailing infant, especially when work is at hand. And like an infant, the more focus I devote to it, the more it craves my attention. As such, I find the notion of replying a text message in mist of a discussion, without so much of an apology, to be rude and inconsiderate. The minutes wasted replying each text message can snowball, and eventually drag the team’s schedule down with it. A simple act of apology would at least, soften the impact, but the truth is, it had became so normal and instinctive that hardly anyone else finds it to be offensive.

Still, the convenience my mobile phone brought to my life should not be discounted. As mentioned before, my IPhone allowed me to do a wide array of things while I am travelling or during my break times. Before this, work that requires a computer or internet connection can only be done at home, or with a laptop, which can be bulky to carry around. Also, because of my mobile phone, my social circle became much easier to maintain as I can stay in touch with my friends constantly. Sending a text message or making a call reaps greater correspondence compared to sending an e-mail or writing a letter.

The bad habits that come with the usage of cellular phones can be attributed to several factors. Most of us grew up with the mobile phone as part and parcel of life, that it is instinctive for us to respond to it, as though it was part of our body. The social etiquette however, is something extrinsic and requires one to put in effort to learn and practice. We should not place the blame on the technology as they exist only to serve us. The blame should be on the individual, for becoming a slave to technology, and for being oblivious to his surroundings. It is time to find salvation from this cellular domination, it is time to take back our lives.

Nightwings, of dust

ESL Essay Repost

2010-10-10T20:19:00.004+08:00

The classification essay due tomorrow.

Growing boys often picture themselves as heroes. It could be a doctor in white, a policeman in uniform, or even a superhero in tights. To them, the concept of a hero is simple; A hero is someone who saves the day. As we grow older, we come to appreciate the diversity of heroism and acknowledge the fact that heroes do not come in a single mould. Heroes have different characteristics; They can be classified as tragic heroes, Christ figures, epic heroes, unlikely heroes and anti heroes.

‘O Romeo, Romeo, wherefore art thou?’ This is one of the quotes from William Shakespeare’s Romeo and Juliet, depicting a tragic romance between two lovers from feuding families. As suggested a tragic hero is the main character of a tragedy and the story always ends with his downfall or death. However, the characteristic of a modern tragic hero is a deviation from that of classical literature. According to Aristotle’s Poetics, the tragic hero must be of noble origins and he eventually falls from grace. His tragedy is not an unfortunate incident but of his own choice and error of judgement. The modern era tragic hero need not be of noble birth but he too, succumbs to weaknesses like greed, melancholy, and lust which contribute to his ultimate downfall.

The important aspects of a tragic hero remained unchanged; He does not fully deserve the scale of his downfall and his fall from grace is seen as a great waste of potential. From it however, even greater lessons are learned.

Examples of tragic heroes include both Romeo and Juliet, with their deaths uniting their feuding families and Colonel Claus von Stauffenberg in the 2008 historical film Valkyrie where he led the failed 20^th July Plot to assassinate Adolf Hitler and remove the Nazi Party from power. The movie brought into light the resistance in Nazi Germany previously little known to outsiders.

The second form of a hero is known as the Christ figure. A hero can be considered a Christ figure if he possesses one or more of the following characteristics; The ability to perform miracles, is look upon as a messianic figure, displays love and forgiveness, fights for justice and experiences death and resurrection. As the name suggests, he possess the traits of Jesus Christ, from birth, ascension to leadership, to crucifixion, and finally resurrection. A Christ figure is perhaps the most acknowledged mould we have of heroism as it embodies all the values our society deems positive.

In modern depiction the part of resurrection is sometimes dropped and the hero takes the role of a martyr. The difference between the deaths of a tragic hero and a Christ figure is that a tragic hero unintentionally falls from grace and we gain knowledge only after analysing his tragedy, while a Christ figure willingly sacrifices himself for a greater cause.

Atticus Finch from To Kill a MockingBird is a prime example of a Christ figure. The story is told through the perspective of his daughter, Jean Louise "Scout" Finch, about his lone struggle for justice, where he defends a black man charged with assaulting a white girl in a town deep with racial hatred.

Another example of a Christ figure is the lion, Aslan in The Chronicles of Narnia where he sacrificed himself to save a traitor but eventually returns to defeat the antagonist, the White Witch.

The third mould of heroism is the epic hero. An epic hero is usually only from histories or legends. The epic hero participates in a journey or quest and tries to confront an adversity through this journey. He gathers like-minded comrades along the way and returns from his journey significantly transformed.

The traits of an epic hero can vary, but usually he starts off with no speciality but his own passion, attitude, determination and bravery. He also exemplifies the qualities that are valued by society, and his journey is often used as folklore to bring across moral lessons.

An example of an epic hero is Dante from Inferno, the epic poetry by Dante Alighieri describing the character’s journey through the nine circles of hell and his eventual escape. The poem describes the forms and rejection of sin based in a biblical context.

Hercules, the 1997 film by Disney which was loosely based on the Greek mythological hero is another example of epic heroism. Hercules, the son of the deity, Zeus, was poisoned as an infant, causing him to lose much of his immortal status. To become a god again, Hercules need to become a hero. The movie shows his journey as he trains to become one, though in the stereotypical depiction of a hero. At the end of his journey, he regains his immortal status and returns as a hero.

The fourth type of hero is the unlikely hero. He starts off as someone ordinary, sometimes to the extent of being exceptionally flawed but gets thrust into extraordinary situations and becomes transformed. The difference between an epic hero and an unlikely hero are their intentions; The epic hero starts off with the end in mind while the unlikely hero is thrown into the situation without a choice.

The unlikely hero mould is one we can easily identify with. Oskar Schindler for example, is one of such. Schindler was an ethic German in Germany during the World War II and his actions saved almost 1200 Jews during the Holocaust. Initially, he was thought to be a businessman who sought to profit from the German invasion of Poland and his acts of employing Jews were thought to be profit-motivated; Jewish labour was cheaper. Later, he started setting up shell companies to employ Jews and bribed Nazi officials, often at the expense of his fortune. After the war, he went bankrupted and died penniless.

Another real life example of an unlikely hero is Paul Rusesabagina, who saved the lives of 1268 refugees during the 1994 Rwandan Genocide where the Hutu-led Interahamwe conducted the mass murder of the Tutsi minority in Rwanda. Rusesabagina was a manager who used his position to shelter the Tutsi refugees, bribing and threatening the Hutu officials. Paul himself was of mixed heritage; His father was Hutu while both his mother and wife were Tutsis.

The last type of hero is the anti hero. He is someone who is disillusioned, pragmatic and possesses characteristics deemed as flaws by society. The anti hero also has a complex morality, preferring to do whatever is right for him instead of what society deem as righteous. He rejects the traditional values of heroism and follows the philosophy ‘the ends justify the means’.

The concept of anti hero is new compared to the other categories and is one of the most used archetype today. Mostly, he is the main character or plays the role of a key character initially opposing that of the main character, who is usually a Christ figure.

An example of an anti hero is V from V for Vendetta. V plays the role of a ruthless, freedom fighter and vigilante in a post-apocalyptic England. The story is told through a third person perspective and the reader has the choice of deciding whether if he was fighting for a cause or is simply psychotic.

Other characters from DC comics can also be considered as anti heroes with their illegal vigilantism. An example is Batman, a gloomy, anti-social vigilante who fights crime via his own means rather than being dependent on the legal system.

Having heroes with different characteristics adds a new dimension in story telling. Some of these stories inspire us, the others teach us valuable lessons. However, it is important to note, that while the classification of heroes are distinct, the makings of a character is a composite of factors. Any single character or living person can be considered to be multiple types of heroes, depending on the aspect we wish to examine. Between cultures the concept of heroism also differs as societies have their respective standards for a hero. The heroes we loved and admired as a child might had been a product of society, but the true makings of a hero is not what society make of him, but what he make of himself.

Nightwings, of dust
I want to be a hero too

ESL 407 Process Essay Re-post

2010-09-26T22:16:00.000+08:00

Mahatma Gandhi once said “A No uttered from the deepest conviction is better and greater than a Yes uttered merely to please, or what is worse, to avoid trouble.” As we mature and our cognitive processes grow with us, we come to understand consequences and implications. Thus, we become hesitant to give rejections. Yet, the importance of saying No is as important as it is now as it was in the past. Drawing ideas from the book “The Power of a Positive No” by William Ury, who is a mediator, writer and speaker working with conflicts ranging from family feuds to boardroom battles to ethnic wars, we will explore the process to say No in a tactful and concise manner without being condescending.

Gandhi might have passed on sixty years ago, but his words reflect a truth most of us do not wish to hear; It becomes difficult for us to say No as we get older that often we avoid it altogether. Our mind would tell us the million reasons why we should not say No but not of the reasons we should. According Ury, there are three ways people approach the dilemma of rejection. So before we begin the process of saying No, let us understand the common mistakes.

Imagine this scenario, today is the tenth wedding anniversary between Jack and Mary. Both of them had been looking forward to this day and started preparing for a surprise months ahead. Jack is really looking forward to head home early after work so he can get on with the celebration, however at the last moment his director requests for his presence at the director’s meeting. While Jack is only a manager, being invited to this meeting meant that he had been shortlisted for the next round promotion to a director. This however, puts Jack in a serious dilemma as he had been waiting for this promotion for three years and not turning up will leave a bad impression of him but there was no way that he could miss the celebration and disappoint Mary. Without prior knowledge of saying No tactfully, Jack ponders on three possible approaches.

First, he can accommodate. That means he says Yes to the meeting when he really wants to say No. This is an unhealthy Yes as the aim is to avoid trouble. So even if he turned up for the meeting, he would be constantly distracted while checking the time and when he finally got home, he would face a disappointed wife and thus, his day became spoilt. Problems arise when people say Yes when they meant to say No.

Second, he says No to the meeting but does so in a poor manner. Jack became angry that he was only informed of the meeting last minute. He rejected his manager outright and headed home early. This way he satisfied his family needs but throughout the night his thoughts were filled with the “what-ifs”. What if the directors developed bad impression of him? What if because of this his chances of a promotion slipped away? Saying No poorly is perhaps at the heart of most problems in the world. What is terrorism but a really bad way of saying No?

Lastly, Jack considers avoiding the question altogether. Clearly he could not bring himself to say No to his manager, thus he headed home directly after work hoping the problem will solve itself. This approach is what most of us take while dealing with rejections; We say nothing at all. This approach is perhaps most damaging as it shows the irresponsibility and indifference in us.

Now that we are clear of the common problems, we can devise a template to say a positive No. The first step of saying No is to give yourself some time to think, not of the consequences but of what you value. What are your priorities, your goals and your agenda? Where do you draw the line before you start saying No? Once we are clear of these, we develop a stronger sense of self and an organised mindset. We also diminish the feelings of shame and guilt when saying No. For the case of Jack, he needs to determine which is more important to him, his career or his family. He needs to know at which point does career spill over to family or vice versa that he should start saying No.

The next step would be to say a Yes, there are two parts to this Yes; The first part is for yourself while the next is for the other party. At this point you will need to refresh your values and protect them, affirm the Yes to your core values, your priorities and that which you hold dear to.

The second part is the expression of your Yes to the other party. Allow them know your situation, put them in your context and let them see things from your perspective. It is important that you start things off a gentle note; Always start with something to let the other party feel appreciated. At this point Jack had decided that while both career and family were important, missing the anniversary celebration was clearly crossing the line. He thanked his director and expressed that it was an honour for him to be invited, however the day was the tenth wedding anniversary with his wife and both of them had been looking forward to this day since months ahead.

The third step of saying No would be the actual delivery. At this point of time the feelings of guilt and shame will set in, thus it is important that in the first step you firmly establish your priorities. Once you have a strong sense of self, your No will be concise and firm, together with the second step of putting the other party in your context, your No will not appear condescending. A good way to curb the negative feelings of saying No is to constantly affirm your first Yes. At this point, Jack was overcame with immense guilt and fear however he was sure that family in this situation was more important. Carefully selecting words, he expressed his regrets that he will not be able to turn up for the meeting.

Right now, the other party whom you had said No to might have various reactions. These will depend on his character and thus it is difficult to anticipate and plan for. Swiss psychiatrist Elisabeth Kubler-Ross in the 1970s published her research on the sequence of acceptance. While the patterns varied from person to person, the general stages were, avoidance, denial, anxiety, anger, bargaining, sadness and finally acceptance. Understanding these stages will greatly help us plan a tactful rejection.

The final step of saying No will be again, to say a Yes. This Yes however is a concession from your part. It is a Yes said to the other party about future opportunities. This step not only opens up a pathway for you to progress on in the next given chance, where you do not need to say No, it also provides a leeway for the other party to retreat with pride, adding on that the offer by them is thoroughly appreciated. It is important however that you do not make empty promises, only say this Yes when you meant to.

Jack’s No toward the meeting raised a few eyebrows and caused a few frowns. However he ensured his director that while he really was interested to attend the meeting, he does not want to break his promise with his wife. He goes back to affirm his own Yes and emphasise on his appreciation of being invited.

The situation above is the ideal. In practise however, the scenarios get much more complicating and the implications are far worse. While we can prepare for the worst-case scenario, there will always be factors that we overlook. Thus it is important to acknowledge that while we can control our actions and reactions, we can not control that of the other party towards us saying No.

Our methods of saying a tactful No will mature as we handle more complex situations. Still, as the implications increase, we must not forget to stay true to our Yes, for without a definite Yes, it is impossible for us to deliver a firm No. And think about it, if the whole world knew how to say No properly, will it not be a better place?

Nightwings, Of dust

ESL Journal Repost

2010-09-24T21:11:00.002+08:00

Well, too busy to blog, but here's a re-post.

The Moth (ESL Journal Re-write with some moderation to content)

Do you know what a moth is? Those husky, flurry insects that bite holes in your clothes and circle around your bed lamp at night? Moths, like butterflies belong to a group of insects known Lepidoptera. Most of the time we see one of these, we quickly identify them as a butterfly, no one actually think of them as moths. In reality however, majority of the Lepidoptera are moths.

Both moths and butterflies undergo the metamorphosis from a caterpillar to adult form. There is a metaphoric statement whereby a butterfly struggles out of it’s cocoon in order to gain it’s wings. Moths too, under go this process but there is a sad twist; Most species of adult moths do not have mouths; They depend on the fats they gathered as a larva in their adulthood. Their lifespan can be as short as two weeks to a day and within this period of time they have to find a mate. Butterflies on the other hand have a proboscis which they use to collect nectar as food. As such their lifespan can go up to a year depending on the species. Comparing life of the Lepidoptera to the ones we have might change our perception of life, it certainly had changed mine.

I remembered a time not to far back, around a year ago. I was very much still in green and while there were signs of longer hair, the training was not any easier. This time in the jungles, we waited for hours to fight a non-existent enemy. This enemy also happened to be one imagined by our instructors and he was invulnerable to all the imaginary bullets we had. At the end of the exercise most of us, including myself were disgruntled at the impossibility of the mission.

We certainly did make our unhappiness apparent; We slammed the equipments onto the ground after the training, we became sarcastic in our replies and a few of us immediately reported sickness or injury so that they could get away from the brewing troubles due to the failed exercise. I happened to be on the receiving end of unfortunate incidents; While the rest happily headed home, I was called to stay behind to clean up together with a few others.

Then came one of the instructors, he was probably in his mid-forties, his belly very much present and his retirement eminent. To set things straight he was never quite the benevolent one and his voice can probably unsettle even the most hardened of us. He was well aware of our unhappiness and we were beyond scared that he knew.

The punishment we expected did not materialise, in fact he started telling us a story, his story. Behind that steeled visage was a tinge of sadness I could sense. He told us of his injury while in the armed forces which led to his predicament; He will no longer move up the ladder in his career. He shared with us a simple fact of life but when put into the context, it was beyond enlightening. We cannot decide what we become, but we can change who we want to be, and that starts now. His little speech scrambled something inside me.

Most of us do not take our time during National Service seriously. There was a common consensus that our ‘real’ lives will begin at the end of the two years. We vowed to change our lacking ways after National Service and we promised that we can separate our character into that of army and of the outside life, but is that really possible? I am doubtful now that the two lives can be mutually exclusive.

It is difficult to change a habit formed over two years, and life after those two years will anchor heavily on the habits we form. Who we are, how we behave will most likely be influenced by how we behave while we are still in National Service. It was then I decided I did not want to wait until after National Service to start changing. I needed to start deciding on the path I want to take and who I want to be. National Service was an experience, and it was also the perfect place to start changing. Then, I started taking pride in the things I do, not matter if I like it or not. I did not want a habit of nonchalance to overtake my life.

Mostly importantly, that speech taught me a lesson about fairness. While the rest got to go home to their friends and families, we the unfortunate few had to stay behind to clean up the mess. We do not get any special rewards or recognitions for it nor will we be appreciated when the main body return to camp the following week.

Are we not like the Lepidoptera? We spent our entire lives preparing for that moment to grace the skies in our delight. Everyone strives to become a butterfly where they can stay in that moment longer, but some of us turned out to be moths where our moments do not last as long.

Like moths and butterflies, all of us go through hardships, some had tougher beginnings, while some had rougher journeys. Moths and butterflies both go through the same non-adult stages. Yet the end result of our journeys are never quite the same, some of us become butterflies while the others become moths. I could either cursed the commanding ranks for picking me, or I could take it into my stride and look forward to whatever remaining weekend I would have.

It dawned upon me that while life might be unfair, we should not focus on the end results. We should appreciate the processes; We need to start appreciating life instead of spending forever preparing for it. When do we start that moment and how long we stay in it really depends on us. Moths or butterflies in the end it does not matter, for we all have to earn our wings, we all need to decide exactly what that moment is to us.

It was weird that seeing a moth bumping against my room lights reminded me of that little speech and the insights it brought to me. I still do not consider that speech life-changing, but it certainly had incited quite a bit of change to my attitude towards life.

Now, copying from myself doesn't count as plagiarism right.

Nightwings, Of dust

Repost

2010-09-09T00:00:00.003+08:00

I haven blogged for a while cause I had been quite busy. School started and there are tons of work to be done. So I spent my time and writing resources for school work. So instead of a personal blog/complain/rant, here is a copy of the journal response I just handed in for my English lesson. (Sigh)

ESL 407 (H) Journal Response 1

Loh Zi Liang

A Blunt Edge

As a rite of passage for every Singaporean Son to become a full-fledge Singaporean, he must undertake the task of serving the nation in the armed forces. Having turned eighteen, I found this pink letter in my mailbox, demanding my enlistment and attached is another page stating the Enlistment Act and what will happen should I choose to go against it. Months after, I found myself living on the offshore island Pulau Tekong, shaven and wearing green, carrying more load than I ever had before, doing enough push-ups to shift the rotation trajectory of the Earth and becoming closer than ever to the Singaporean jungles.

Looking back, after enduring those physically and mentally demanding days, we were all glad that the two years came to pass quicker than we anticipated. Yet within this short frame of two years, the Singaporean sons, now rightfully Singaporeans had experienced changes in more ways than we thought. Returning my pink identification card to it’s rightful place in my wallet, I pondered heavily on the changes within me.

Change is never singular. When you change a part of yourself, you lose the other. The national service experience had improved my physical health tremendously and also taught me lessons of humility and resilience. The price for these qualities however, was a blunt edge. Clearly after two years I find myself lacking in practice and out of date. It would had been easy to push the blame entirely on national service and the government, but deep down I would know better than anyone that the fault lies solely with me, and my lack of intentions to try and sharpen up.

At our generation, the ability to write has become so essential that it is often being overlooked. Most of us already have the ‘hardware’ of writing, met by knowing the rules, the different forms and the styles, the ability to be intelligible. Another important aspect of writing that is often overlook is the ‘software’ of writing, meaning the substance and quality we produce. Both aspects are important such that not one overweigh the other in priority. Unfortunate as it is that many mistake being intelligible as substance and vice versa.

In the quest to be understood, we have since young attempt to master the rules and construct of language. Most of us at this age are decently intelligible, however it is easy to stray away from the rules and be misunderstood. To excel we must always keep in mind the rules as they make up the foundation of good writing.

Substance on the other hand is not something we learn by reading up, nor is one born with it. It is not quantifiable but abstract and ideological. To gain substance one has to be humble and look beyond oneself as proclaiming to possess substance is not only seen as arrogance to the society, but also a mockery. One also needs to be observant and have a passion for understanding and learning the happenings going on. One need keep up with the times and constantly maintain this frame of mindset.

The main weakness I have now as a writer is the severe lack of practise and the lack of substance hence thereof. The rusty expression skills can be sharpened with more practice and the build up of substance can be recovered eventually, given enough time and effort. However remedying these weaknesses might not sound as easy as it does, considering the fact that I am still warming up to the notion of being a student again.

Another weakness aside from being rusty after the break is the tendency towards prejudices. Humans are often likened to a computer; We receive inputs, we process the inputs and complete tasks following rules and lastly we generate outputs, ideally. The truth be told, that we tend to skip the step of processing the inputs before we draw conclusions and judgements. We are often overconfident in our existing experiences and knowledge that we do not delve deeper into the subject.

I am not too far away from this inherent flaw. At more times that I can count I fall prey to my biasness and prejudices that led me to give swayed opinions. Thankful this weakness can be overcome by discussions. Having a different opinion will definitely eliminate most of the biasness.
As for my strengths, I am thankful that my social indifference does not spill over to my curiosity. The constant practice of dissecting information once polished will let me do it with even greater ease and make informed choices and opinions.

My other strength aside from deciphering information and perhaps my greatest strength will be my passion in writing. I dare not seek to be affluent and influential but my ambition to excel in this field had pushed me beyond my limits in the past. I have little doubts that with the right education I will be able to go beyond what I am today, with a greater mastery of expression skills and a greater depth of substance.

I might be quite clear of my strength and weaknesses now, but I hope that through this course I can uncover more of my strengths and weaknesses and to better understand myself linguistically. I also hope to cultivate this habit of proof reading as my thoughts presented on paper are often haphazard and require much refining before they are presentable. That aside I also hope to have an engaging education experience whereby I can excel on my strength rather than always being picked out at my weaknesses.

Lastly, the education at SIM-UB is the first time I deviate from the pathways my parents laid down for me. That saying the pressure is tremendous as all those who opposed my decision are ready to throw out criticism at the smallest signs of failure, but the desire to succeed and put my critics in their place is greater than ever.

Nightwings, Of dust

Right Here Waiting

2008-06-01T09:28:00.001+08:00

To you. Please come back to me.

2008-05-25T02:57:00.000+08:00

Its 3 in the morning
I'm tired
I can't sleep
I'm troubled
I'm a little sad
I'm quite disappointed
I'm low in confidence
My knee hurts
My hair sucks
I'm low on cash
I'm worried
Army sucks

Thats the compliment of my weeks for this week

Night wings of dust

PS: Content subjected to change in due course.

I Believe I Can Fly

2008-05-19T12:15:00.001+08:00

I believe I can fly
I believe I can touch the sky
I think about it every night and day
Spread my wings and fly away
I believe I can soar
I see me running through that open door
I believe I can fly
I believe I can fly
I believe I can fly

Sweet Rain 死神の精度 Accuracy of Death

2008-05-19T11:56:00.000+08:00

Hold on as I sleep

2008-05-16T22:52:00.000+08:00

Libra without love
Still without love
Back from desolation
Still lack of inspiration

This is not a real poem
For it lacks a rhythm
So I'm just saving this slot
Until I'm rid of sloth

Love to share my out field experience
If any one were be bothered to listen
But of now I'm too sleepy to bother
So FO until I come back to chatter

2008-05-04T16:19:00.000+08:00

This blog lacks a few pictures, so for regimentation's sake, I'll add a few classic ones in no order of formality.

YJC before the fund raising shit. This was supposingly our first proposed mascort.

David and me while we both still had hair, councillors and playing his china PSP

Christina, using my wonderfully proposed council board design to ~~conceal her horrendous smile~~ radiate her... grin

Lee Shao Rong, caught sleeping in econs lectures which apparently i have proof of, which he threatened to sue me if I do not delete the photo(which I thought I already did) but apparently I have a copy hidden somewhere hmmm...

Me and celes, prom photo. My hair rocks. Period.

Investiture photo. For those who cannot take the straining eye conditions, please do yourself the favour of censoring whatever's on the left.

Yagami Kangsheng's no-nonsense regimentation of judgement. Remember to bring along the smile everytime.

Kangsheng hanyang and me, we are the ninjas. Don't laugh.

Rise with faith. Imbal banner. Guess who are the three.

For other friends who did not appear on my photo list, its not intentional. Its either I did not have any photos of you or I can't find any decent looking ones. Still, a call out to friends like sherman, benja, zhongru, emma, clara, mengxiang bryan and many more I can't remember.

Nightwings of dust, off to half a month of confinement.

When it starts to rain tonight

2008-05-04T12:31:00.000+08:00

For when it rains again tonight
There will be no shelter or shed to hide
I stood alone unprotected in the pouring
As no warmth no hands and no truth came while waiting

As it rains again tonight
All friends around me start to take flight
Grounded I am with a broken sore wing
Aching of heart with an equal twinge

Before it starts to rain again tonight
At the calm before a storm's ignite
I look back as the pendulum swings
Reminiscing on those worth remembering*

A silhouette a specter a lonely back shoulder
A memory a fragment a pride that bothers
An emptiness a devoid a pain to let go
When it starts to rain again tonight.
I miss you

Libra without Love, Nightwings of dust

* - lines contemplating to change

10 reasons why life is F-ed up

2008-04-27T15:15:00.000+08:00

1. Army life sucks, book in sucks, book out time sucks

2. Untelling of cruxi is screwed up, because the two of them didn't know/didn't want to continue without me around

3. Uni application is f-ed because of you know what

4. Com is f-ed up because I'm running on Ubuntu and it cant play games

5. Friends are changed in just a matter of 17days

6. Things with her are f-ed up and I don't know why.

7. My hair is F-ed up because there barely is any

8. Cash is f-ed up because SAF pays us so little

9. Health is F-ed up because I'm having a flu cough and sore throat

10. I'm F-ed up because I'm stupid enough to try again to open up even thou I already got burnt many times.

Night wings, F-ed up seriously

2008-03-29T12:43:00.001+08:00

What I've done - Linkin Park. Another video that deserves to be watched, especially by GP students!

2008-03-29T12:41:00.001+08:00

Merry Christmas Mr. Lawrence by Ryuichi Sakamoto. A gift from me to those who still bothered to check my blog before I enlist

2008-03-28T22:59:00.000+08:00

In a mess. Complete, total, mess

I love paydays

2008-02-28T18:13:00.001+08:00

Dammit work sucks. Manager sucks, he's worse than CRC i swear. So people, you finally can tell how my work sucks. Infact, a few uncles at my workplace went out and ask, and found out we're actually UNDERPAID Even thou this is quite a low level job, we deserve at least 50cents MORE per hour D= stupid manager. Working everyday from 9 to 6, the manager is out to screw the ICs, because each week the demands just get more ridiculous. Everyday Chiong OT, to the point that I feel like Im falling sick. So today took a leave. Later go back jj night see see also. Working in a chinese/hokkien environment has adverse effects on my english abilities dammit. Lucky I'm ending work soon in 1-2 more weeks and by then I can train up (getting fat shit) and buy new specs for NS D= Oh of course, draw, write, swim, play and enjoy all i can before the date comes. Started a new story based on the characters developed by Shaun Xiao and me woot! Imagination FTW!

Shout outs to long-no-meet friends, weilong and amanda, hi to you too!

Inspiritment or insanity

2008-02-10T12:17:00.000+08:00

So I asked myself, gundam or flowers. Gundam or flowers. I only have budget for one. And I chose gundam. I was asked if I would be happy. My answer was, even if I gave flowers, I wont be happy. As I'm not sure if it'll be appreciated. Or if it will be even accepted. And most of all, I'm not even sure if I'll get any responses at all. Period. The incredibly-similar-to-me-xiao was hearing out my mostly nonsensical rantings and philosophical nonsense(she doesn't say its nonsense thou) and occasionally heart-felt cry outs. Well, it seems she has the same problem with her boyfriend but things worked out. She said she disliked most part of her boyfriend and liked only small infinitesimal(cough) part which she only seen once. Because she has a lot of drive to be with him. Acknowledging that, I start to wonder myself. Two people in love, if they have drive, many things can be overcame. If they have drive, there will be devotion and be compromising. If they have drive, they won't ignore each other outright. So I wonder if we have drive towards each other. I know I do and it used to be strong and I know you too had, or used to have. It died down much after many disappointments but its still there; if you pay the slightest attention into looking for it. But I don't know bout it from the other side. A lot of times it feels more like a negative-drive; avoiding, ignoring, afraid. Sometimes I really wish I am much more normal and typical(in the sense behavior, interests, motivations) so that things won't get so complicated. So. Gundam or flowers. Gundam.

EDIT: Or so I thought.

EDIT EDIT: Happy CNY DDDDD= Its the year of the guns, robots and ninjas! Ha! Shuriken!

Night Wings, of dust.
Strong repulsions and rejections hide only the truth of helpless desires for acceptance and concern.

In second wind

2008-02-03T00:58:00.000+08:00

The aim had been set. The course is to seek for the ultimate knowledge, but of such will you come with me? Are you willing to join and assist me in my quest to understand and comprehend? There will be but few good times and mostly pains of disappointments and more of those, are you willing to endure and bear them from me and with me? Are you willing to suffer with me in times of great depressions and at times lower yourself to my level so as to pull me up? The quest for more knowledge is like an abyss; never-ending and appearing to suck in all hopes and future with no visible rewards. The same goes with sticking with me. So are you willing?
Jasmine, I know you might be reading this and I just wanna say, I'm really sorry for being a total bastard to you. But yet despite that you still didn't put me down and I'm speechless for that. Thanks for whatever you have done in one way or another and I seek your pardon, if possible at all for my hour of angst.
Side Topic:
But yet this betrayal of trust I cannot accept and forgive.

Night Wings, of dust
Faith from logic, Faith or logic, Faith and logic?

2008-01-22T20:08:00.001+08:00

lololol zhe phantom mask is back!

I SWEAR swear SWEAR that faceless void works part time at my work place because when he's on mc, time flies by rather quickly. But when he's not, minutes feels like days D=. And out of boredom.... TEH TEH TEH! Moi artistic(nearly) creation from the really boring and dead metal parts! OF COURSE I didnt let the ICs find out. Duh. Each of those metal base is quite heavy and I stacked all of those, of course after drilling the wheels onto them using a handdrill. MAX(that ic) told me that I dont needa finish it so quickly or arrange them so nicely but I couldn't resist. Work's been boring but haha, who cares! NO WORK FOR CNY WOOT!

This post seem together unlink as a whole haha, but who cares really haha. For the first time in many months, I'm really happy! xD REALLY happy. Of course its not about work! I think a certain someone would know why xD

NightWings, smiling, truely smiling...

Life's been hard

2008-01-11T20:33:00.000+08:00

Today, Rachel called me. Apparently one of the companies decided to hire some NS boys. I know I have a good chance in getting this job. But some how I'm not nearly as happy. I did something really stupid today and my parents are now upset. Because of that, I'm just feeling like shit now. Then they forgave me so easily and yet still refuses my attempts to make up. I'm really like shit. What a useless son I really am... My mum bought a blood pressure measuring machine. I just took a reading and my BP's 90/160 which is rather high (considering my normal BP is 60+/130?) and I guess this explains my chest pains.

I thought I got over it. I was. But all along I have just been holding on to my pride and hiding my heart. Every moment, that image returns to me. Of you running toward another guy. It hurts. It just hurts. The night which I saw it, my heart ached and bled. But I told no one else. Then I remembered that night when again and again I'm disappointed, angered/hurted to the extent that I was numbed, I couldnt think of anything else. Nor needed anything else but be alone. Each time these thoughts flashes by my mind, it deepens the already present void. Each time it hurts more. I know I'm responsible, I know I asked for all these. I know I'm a jerk. I know I'm an asshole. But I don't think anything helps anymore. Forgive me

Night Wings, Yet in his bright armor and shiny sword reveals a gloomy shallow heart...

Back to round 1!

2008-01-08T23:01:00.000+08:00

Back from Class chalet last night, it was fun while it lasted haha. Its nice meeting classmates I haven seen for a while. EG Des, ong wl zq sl dre etc etc. Day 1, PS2 SPREE! BBQ and night cycle. Didnt really eat much of the BBQ food, busy talking and PS2-ing xD. Then played the game YF brought, werewloves. I thought the game was really fun and for some reason, I cant get tired of it xD. Unfortunately for my next-door-neighbor, we were actually making quite a lot of noise and they actually wanna sleep. Later on went for night cycle, the moment we step out, guards came. Tell us what got people press the button and complain bout us, but really, who cares xD. Night cycling was quite cool, been a while since I last cycled. And so we cycled around that area and went back that legendary "red house" they mention. Just the looks of that place gives me the creeps so lets not talk bout even stepping inside. Moving on, we cycled on roads, sang while cycling, talk while cycling and even be lame while cycling and even sped on the road D= on bikes! Dx After a long cycle, they wanted to visit old SGH, the ~~ghost-spot~~ tourist attraction. I decided not to head in (Not comfortable with ghost and such D= so ong, mel and myself stayed behind. Like right after they went in, our dear diver friend decided to run in and scare them. He didnt succeed of course. So now they're in odd numbers, WL came back. But like right after that, a police patrol car came and drove into the car park D= Despite it being a quite popular tourist attraction, "for our safety" entering that place is considered trespassing. So WL called des and the gang came back. But after a while, the patrol car left the car park so they went in again, this time ong stayed behind. Three of us talked a little/a lot. And just after a while the gang is back already. They said they didnt really see anything but heard footsteps and jx saw the door opening on its own. Oh well haha. The highlight of this part to me was probably that while at the bus stop THREE different police cars actually drove by, slowed down and looked at us and drove off. At the second time, YS WL took out a bag of leftover marshmallows that looked like a pack of heroin lol. Well, nothing bad really happened to us. After that, cycled to changi village to see THE TRANSFORMERS!(inside joke) buy ice cream, nothing really special there, maybe other than a glimpse of THE TRANSFORMERS! After that, cycled back to chalet. The back trip felt shorter(maybe cause we sped on roads for most of the parts) and more tiring(either because there were more uphills or that I'm already tired). Back at chalet, some can go to sleep while sweaty and smelly, most of the guys went to play soccer and I was playing the PS2. After a while they came back because zq kicked the ball on the light and effectively KO-ing it. Then played some card games on the "table" while there are people sleeping on the floor below the bed(those there will understand) how ironic it is. Well before we know it, its like 6? Went to take a shower and slept on the "table" for bearly 2 hours. During which our diver friend was overly excited bout his soccer game(and noisy too). KS n YS left for work, the rest of us went for food while YF slept in. After that the whole afternoon was spent on card games and PS2 until night. I started to feel a little sick and was kinda missing home so I told them I will be going back earlier than expected. So before we leave, played those guessing game, and the "winner" had to drink green tea, WITH alcohol. To be honest, I dont drink or like drinking. At the start, the amount of alcohol ong pour for me was minimal. like during the last cup or so, he pour quite a lot. I was there thinking, how much can such a small amount do to me? It tasted rather strong and bitter but other than that i felt nothing. Well, what do I know, soon my whole face was red and my eyeballs crimson. Felt hot and such but still clear. Then bday for wl which the plan got kinda screwed up but haha, we end up trying to surprise the cake holders (mel ks) instead. So I stood there, waiting for them to come in, only to realise they're standing outside waiting. Then needa thank phy's dad for sending me to clementi but while on the car, I was already feeling a little headache. By the time I was home, felt like dying until i ate my mum's food. Dam it was good. Shower, checked email, died in bed. For the first time in weeks, I slept for 10hours(normally only 8 no matter how tired)

Well, what a long post. dont blame me, blame boredom. Now im back to seeking jobs, sent a lot more emails as i didnt yield much results from sat(only 1 phone call?) and within a timespan of 3 hours, I got calls from this lovely lady, rachel, offering me three jobs. I think she's quite stunned by my answers xD

Her: So are you in employment now?
ME: Not really
HER: Eh? What do you mean by nothing really?
ME: *Stuns*
ME: Er, im actually between jobs and right now my job is to find jobs
HER: *silence*
HER: Oh haha I see.............(blah blah blah)

Well, all I can do now is pray that they'll shortlist me D= Hate it when they dont even give me a chance to interview D= I can speak well really!

Night wings, in his chest a crest he bore...

........

2008-01-05T21:30:00.000+08:00

In a moment's Weakness

In a moment’s weakness and overcame by folly
The guard was let down and the resolve was gone
The pain is roused and anger relived
But so returned too the unbearable void

I swear I promised that I would not flinch
To the slightest of glitch and emotional hints
Unfeeling I would be and intolerant I am
Uncaring should be and emotionless it is
But all in a moment’s weakness
So returned too the unbearable void

But even thus so, only human I am
I tried to be mean but I hardly succeed
All these hard cover
Is nothing but a face
To act as a shield
And protect the pages within
Yet of who would have know
And understand this plight
That despite the thorns
A gentle resides.

champignon, pouvez-vous comprendre? Guess not...
The bark on a tree trunk. Rough and hard it is. For all else depends on it. If they would give way, the trunk won't survive. But yet as strong as it is, it is only but of material strength.

Night wings, in a moment of weakness...

O1 2008

2008-01-05T13:02:00.000+08:00

Just woke up after coming back from orientation. It was great, too bad I didnt take any photos. This orientation reminded me of many things that I forgot since I left the school. Like the positive attitude they used to tell us, the confidence we built up and all that. I just missed it.

For most of the night, I wasn't paying attention, for one reason or another. First I was busy going around in the LN "Hey, you wanna see some magic?" and pulling off a few really simple card tricks using UNO cards. And for one moment, my heart ached really badly. Dont ask me why or what, I'm not telling.

Then went to find juniors, emo to them, talk to them, haven really had a good talk with them since ever. I tried to find the ccubes but haha, I guess they prefer to stick with girls than hearing me out D= well thats okay, after all I think they rarely get to meet up with each other. Then went council sat down and talk to the old birds of 26^th (With shao rong watching 黃金路 and cursing at the character =.=) Again, more showing of card tricks to those and some of 27^th. My heart ached now.

After that, did some rather boring things, went to canteen eat the food, play UNO with SR in toilet, then walk here walk there talk cock sing song. Then after some really confusing switching followed Shaorong and some of the old birds leaders to bench area at LT2 at there played UNO and PSP shit for quite a while. Then david came challenge me UNO(and lost) and finally went to the dance room to get a proper sleep. My heart aches still but I rather not to flinch.

Surprisingly, despite we slept on the hard wooden floor with almost nothing, it was quite a good 3hour+ sleep for me. I missed school. After we woke up at 7.45, went to sc room to wash my face and change shirt before heading home. All was fine except that really weird and excruciating experience I have at my guts/stomach area whenever I'm feeling down these two days. (the same shit for ogl camp)

Now I'm back home, I suppose the junior had their debrief already and soon will be old birds themselves haha. Kids, they grow up fast. So its back to life I suppose, the quest to save cash, send resumes, but this time even better. To be honest before this I was afraid to open up my wallet as I was afraid that there wasnt cash in it, running a rather tight budget now. But now, with the confidence restored and positive attitude re-endowed, Life, come to me! I have no fears!

Night Wings, because if I sing, I would not sing alone. If I cheer, I would not cheer alone. If I fall, I would not stand up alone. If I'm emo, I would not walk alone. Because I have the 26^th (sounds rather corny)

Perhaps all along I had only been a milestone drawing you away from your true destiny.

2008-01-04T18:00:00.000+08:00

Aih, to think I dressed decently and looked really neat and wasted traveling fees down to Bugis for the interview. Again same bad experience. Went in less than 30seconds then came out. It turned out they didnt read my resume properly and missed out that part that I'm enlisting on April(What a dead weight dammit). Because of that, they're not willing to hire me as their project on starts on feb and they need people to commit at least for 3months zzz. Well, its back to the drawing board and sending of more resumes. On the optimistic side, that probably means my resume is reasonably well-written for them to even shortlist me to begin with. So hard to find a decent job =/ sexist employers D=

Night Wings, We shall not fail or falter; we shall not weaken or tire... Neither the sudden shock of battle nor the long-drawn trials of vigilance and exertion will wear us down. Give us the tools and we will finish the job. -Winston Churchill

RRIIIIPPPPPPP OFFFFF

2008-01-04T12:16:00.000+08:00

The following poem was not done by me, but by my friend with her friends in a blog they have, http://brainstormtwo.blogspot.com/(it lacks update, blame life) Had to post it as I find it rather cool Dx cooler than mine at least.

ignore
do not ask, why i look solemn today.
in fact, you would do good to ignore,
pass me and brush me off and away.
there is none on my face worth looking for
yes, you would do good to ignore.

after all, it's something you do;
pass me and brush me off and away.
do not let my spur of the moment ensue
to strike the attention i never had anyway.
yes, you would do good to ignore.

do not ask, why i have been quiet lately
it's not something you'd reach to ask
and although i would answer more gladly
my dignity says, in false attention do not bask.
yes, you would do good to ignore.

By, one of the either four poets O_o

Night Wings, off to interview

Orientation/Interview Week

2008-01-03T21:07:00.000+08:00

Week of going to interviews and going to school. Knowing that auhc was in charge, I actually didnt expect much. But when I was there just for the ogl camp, one word to describe the state I was in. Stun. Later then I found out Mr Leow got involved too, but whether if he was the one who guided the FFREEESSSH MMMEEEAAATT to put up the really awesome decor, I dont know and wont bother finding out. Lets save auhc ever so slightly the dignity left in me. Interviews, they say women get unfair treatment in work. Bullshit. A few companies i went to, actually prefer hiring girls over boys. Plus, the weight of my enlistment seriously put me down in front of my employers am. Tmr I have another interview, with KeppelLand. A really important one as I really want this job. Miss Karen told me that there will be 5 other Alevels students also going for the interview so, in order to get hired, I needa stand out D= especially because of my enlistment. Dam man, I dont even hate the army, but at times like these, its just deadweight. JJ night tmr, I'll post some photos of the awesome decor tmr and S22 chalet on Sun! D= Finally after such a long wait xD. Well, now I needa go prepare myself for the interview tmr so thats it for now.

Night Wings, Plans are of little importance, but planning is essential -Winston Churchill
If you had plead I would had stayed. If you were sincere about apologizing my anger would had ceased.

New Year Dx

2007-12-31T23:52:00.000+08:00

For some sucky reason(or policy/limitations?), Samsung phones only allow the sending of up to 10 recipients per message.(And the dam annoying inability to copy text) And its probably because everyone's sending new year sms, the network got jammed up and my sending failed. This was solved by changing my sms to MMS format (Which brought about a new problem of cost =.=) Well only once a year, who cares. For those who received on msn, you probably got the full, unbroken message. For those who GOT it via MMS and is finding fragments of words that seem to rhyme, heres the full poem for the spirit of giving xD

Happy birthday to all I’ve said
For this is for the beginning of your new life’s sake

Joyful wishing and merry makings I don’t do that crap
Insults and sarcasm I’m better at
But for once I wish upon a new year exception
That you live this new life with no deception
Regrets, hatred and agitation,
Remorse, jealousy and discrimination.

Local or overseas what difference does it make?
I won’t mind spending a few extra cents for someone’s sake
Now don’t come mushy squashy or wish me good luck
For its really your friendships that made the mark.

Now happy new year folks, remember to live without regrets and to the fullest.

Night Wings, there is so much to say, do much to do, yet words are braced and actions halted...

This is totally unforgivable

2007-12-25T21:05:00.000+08:00

I will NOT let ANYONE or ANYTHING ruin this outing you get it? That includes you and especially him. I know you're reading this and if you are, way to go, getting HIM to try and crash the outing is probably the worse thing anyone could have done to me and it is completely unforgivable.

I dont wanna bring this up but when you lied to me, not once. I took it. When you did things which really hurt me, not once. I took it. When you did really nasty things to me, not once. I took it. You said really hurtful things to me, not once. I took it. I told you exactly what things I'm not comfortable with, not once. No one listens. I gave chances, not once. But they're not appreciated. Now there are no more chances. I had enough.

State of emergency had been issued, all details of the outing had been grounded and will remain under cover until 29^thDecember 2007 when its over. Fellow com members and com head reading this, please do not be alarmed and forgive me.

Shimmer, Night Wings of dust.

2007-12-19T23:41:00.000+08:00

Argh brain dividing headache. It must be contagious as our beloved com head got it too. Today, some really difficult situations to handle in the day, after that got into by some drunk(?) dude(wth?), whats wrong with people drinking anyway?) Then heard xy's dad got minor stroke, I understand his situation as the same thing also happened to my mum but his dad's case was slightly more serious. Didn't know how to "counsel" him but just merely offered him help. Dam I'm quite a lousy friend. More ideas for outing, updates soon. Moreeeeeeee Prelude.........

Night wings, hate drinkers(some) AND headaches

anything BUT THAT

2007-12-13T13:18:00.000+08:00

i seriously wonder what the hell is wrong my my mum. She was just discharged yesterday, but instead of resting guess what, she TRIed to tidy my room. I have no issues with that UNTIL she decided to "tidy" my drawers. When i got home, i found a ton of stuff with sentimental values in the rubbish bin and many precious monuments hanging my window. Furious I was and I am. I hate hate HATE HATE HATE it when people browse my drawers without my knowing, or more to take stuff out of it and throw it away. what the hell man. The thing which really heat me up was that she actually denied having browse through my stuff, which was obvious fake. (The order which i place my stuff, the opening check i have on my reserve slash was all messed up) there are somethings which i kept in the drawer that i didn't want to be reminded of.

Night wings, of dust

2007-12-09T15:44:00.000+08:00

Dam its raining again. Always this shit when I'm trying to go fro a swim. Sigh. Days are bad, mum warded, job is tough, bad weather =/ I ought to write up a little bout my school life which just ended. For those interested, don't. It isnt all good stuff, but neither will it be all negative shit. until next time then.

Night wings, rain rain go away...

2007-12-06T21:33:00.001+08:00

Ok, the previous post with one of extreme angst. I wouldnt marginalize all singaporeans cause I met really nice people, but my views on those I unfortunately met today remain solid. Screw them elitist bastards. Screw them arrogant bastards.

Night Wings, of no Singaporean behavior.

just what age are we in?

2007-12-06T21:26:00.000+08:00

From today on, I'm black listing those in the JE area. What the fuck is wrong with people? Yes I know some people dont like people knocking on their door, but they can just tell me and I'll move away, why is there a need to go to an extent of shouting it out, insulting, personal attack and even till insulting my parents? What age are we in that this type of people still exist? And they're working adults believe it or not. WORKING adults WHO HAD GONE THROUGH THE FRICKING SINGAPORE EDUCATION. What the hell did they learn in schools? How to insult people? This sort of typical Singaporean behavior seriously irks me, whats worse is that it comes packaged with bad manners. So singapore a civil society? We'll see man, we'll see.

2007-12-02T21:05:00.001+08:00

its so hard to live in this world

Just why again

2007-11-30T20:09:00.000+08:00

Just what the ~~fuck~~ is wrong with me. Talked to Shaun a few days back(he's the only one who's willing to listen to me and feel for me) and I was pouring out all my angst on him, with all the ~~fuck~~ yous and stuff. People just wont change no matter what I say cause things I said never get put in consideration. Sad but true, to think i aspire to be a philosopher some day. I cant believe that it was just hours before when I talked bout the matter but yet the same shit happens again. When I sped off in anger, not even a word or action of concern came until half an hour later. Even the sorry wasn't very sincere. But guess what, I bet after she talk to ALL the other guys whom she cares about more than me, I'm at fault again. For god's sake what else is new. I'm always in the wrong. I bet I'm wrong cause I compromise for her. I bet I'm wrong cause cause I get extremely passionate about the relationship. I bet I'm wrong cause I DON'T LIE to her at all. I bet I'm wrong cause I can get jealous too. Argh shit it. And to the worst of it, after hearing all these, Shaun's response was that I move on, much like what he did to the girl who made use of him, but I can't agree right away. All I could say was a "maybe I could"... I must had been really stupid to hang on to someone who cant even make her feelings known/have no feelings for me. Period.

Dumbest of dust.

Phil Collin- You'll be in my heart

2007-11-29T21:54:00.001+08:00

Strength at arms, a pariah descends into the falling rift.
By strength a cleft appear in his failing courage,
By wings revealed his melancholy wits
And withal, in strength he lives in wings he rise.
The story can now be told.....

A prelude...